It still hurts this much after 4 years ?!

All i have are these walls around me, I KNOW THAT, it's all i have, and when i die that's all i'll lose.
Every week i have to keep reminding myself of that.
I know better, but still this happens!
Why did this happen to me, when it's useless and worthless? "True Love" doesn't even exist!! If i didn't deserve to be with her, i couldn't kill myself either, and why? I had nothing else in my life to life for! My life was 100% done. It makes no sense why i got a tremendous flow of failure and negativity since i can remember.
She keeps coming to my head, this strange heaviness in my brain doesn't let me rest, memories swallow me whole, pain fills my chest, i can't focus on anything, it increases in intensity from time to time, and i can't stop it!
She disappeared, i've been mourning ever since, that means she died, doesn't it?
Seeing her again would be a shock to me, i feel like i'd not be able to stop from hurting my body feeling i deserve it, and hanging myself until the weakness takes me and i fall to the floor crying in misery again.
Why can't i kill myself? I've got a terminal illness, i've begged to die a thousand times, i've lost my sanity and went crazy in complete isolation from the outside world, i've created and consumed a hurricane of emotions and feelings, and all for what?
Why am i still alive?
Why can't i die? It's all i want! All i have left, i'm sure of it, then why?
I want to die when i got to bed at night, i wake up feeling the same when i wake up.
THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!
Why? And alone, everything there is to know about me is that i've been alone for more years than anyone else i know of or ever met.
I never asked for any of it!! My life was ruined without recovery possible.
All i wanted since i was a child was to be loved by one girl only, just one. To feel and know what it is like, to... (i wish i could explain it, but i really can't, you'd have to have been alone your entire life and descended into near death misery for years to understand the kind of brutality i've been through)
I am alone! That is absolute fact, it defines my life. I am alone! SO WHY CAN'T I DIE???
Why? Can't i at least deserve to know?