And yet, i'm still here...

People around me keep dying. It's the 4th family member this year, 2 lived in this house, had to watch 1 die.
When my mother dies, then, that's it, i'll be 100% alone. I don't even have anyone to talk to.
There's not a breath of will to live inside me, there's nothing i want from this world, only this body forcing me, punishing me for still being trapped here, in hell, and i have to wash it, and feed it, and put it to sleep, like a zombie. And for what? To stay alive? But i don't want to be alive, i hate all of this with a weakness, instead of passion.
It's been 4000 days, it's so cold and lifeless to be in this body.
Why be born, why be human? Such tremendous suffering and misery, being here makes no sense to me!

|Drowning /Torment

Fall into darkness,
 accidental trauma,
 pseudo selective mutism,
 hands out of reach,
 the aching of distance.

Thousand spent questions,
  the brain as a meal,
  occult beyond obvious,
  a sea of lies,
  grinding for answers.

Vessel for suffering,
 recycling of sins,
 draught inside,
 perpetuity.

Googling and ogling,
 the needs of weakness,
 avoidable regrets,
 actions of greed,
 broken pretensions,
 common sense prevails.

Out of focus,
 the plague of bad thoughts,
 unaware of reality,
 confusing sleep states,
 never ending nightmare.

The spitting of hate,
 a layer of filth,
 unwanted bonds,
 surrounded by shadow,
 triggers of rage,
 walls of avoidance,
 a coffin shaped sleep.

Twisted visions,
 uncomfortableness,
 remembering numb,
 mental block in the head,
 dull and motionlessness.
  Fear!

Thoughts of desire,
 much time spent,
 a void inside,
 swallowing feelings,
 memories of meaningless,
 untouched lifetime.

Mask of one expression,
 sparce of communication,
 unable to read minds,
 sighing and nodding,
 avoidance.

Imagination as failure,
 tortured into weakness,
 no sitting comfort,
 invisible hollow,
 all consuming void,
 the waiting of incapacitation.

No room to fall dead,
 ruin of hoarding,
 to see but not touch,
 the dead don't care.

Abandonment of help,
 her face amid tears,
 manifestations of begging,
 the chore of breathing,
 hanging upstraight,
 scrubbing away stress,
 drowning atmosphere,
 affliction of loss,
 a burden of grief.

Silently staring,
 a body most heavy,
 unable to act,
 crippling loneliness,
 imprisoned in misery,
 insults of worthlessness,
 shattering sanity,
 broken will,
 crying over a dimming existence.