(i deleted around 20 of my publications and some of my Youtube videos, because they talked about way too much pain and suffering and were very unpleasant and useless, apparently. I do miss them somewhat, because they did explain almost my entire life and who i am and what happened and why i want to leave this world and never come back, a.s.a.p.. Now i wish i hadn't deleted them, but they wouldn't bring me love anyway. Nevermind.)
So, today, April 23rd, 09:30 in the morning, is my Birthday!
I actually don't celebrate anything, i don't even have a friend to be with and feel, something... anything... good!?
I really don't feel any better today than any other day, i haven't been to any birthday party in more than 9 years, including my own, i wouldn't even be able to feel anything good if i tried to because i have nothing to compare it with, and, what am i talking about anyway?
Well, at least this year i get to enjoy a small part of the day during my daily trip to the Gym, the bus ride, walking through the city, getting there, doing my training, i feel much better there, since it's located in a very nice place, Praia da Rocha, and despite not walking up to where these pictures show, it's close enough.
For more than half of my Life, i had a dream, as a wrote in this blog long ago, i called that dream, True Love! That dream started when i was very young when i would try, but could never connect with anyone. This feeling that some day i'd live it for myself like the adults, and know what it is to have someone just for me, we'd be happy and live together and belong to each other and finally know what it feels like to not be alone, started to grow inside me, we would be together every day, eat together, walk together, help each other, take care of each other, be always truthful, and live a romance i can't even imagine! Over the years it developed and increased in intensity. I wanted to be truly loved, married at age 23, and have 3 babies. I wanted to have a baby girl who looked like her mother so much, and give her everything good i never had. Children are the nicest people in the world, absolutely lovely and adorable.
I never had interest in pleasure or fun, it never made sense to me, i was only searching for one person, the one and only, and i kept it to myself, because other people would not understand me and hurt me even more.
Many years after, i found myself alone at home having failed at everything, without social life, a job, friends, finding "her", money, good health, joy, a car, any interest in normal life, all i still wanted was to be truly loved. More time went by, everything about my existence became horrible and painful, so much that one day i realized my life was nothing more than being alone in my bedroom, and then i decided to kill myself. After failing i went insane, drank lots of alcohol and passed out at the hospital crying and saying i wanted to die. That next day was when i lost the will to live. For the next years, there was only the desire to just disappear from this world and never come back, i was simply letting myself die alone at home. And one day, she entered my life. To put it simple, traumatic feelings triggered by the suffering and pain she shared with me, and my own, made me both want to comfort her and be comforted by her, i identified with her, became attached to her, and thus created my emotional bond and she awakened my dream as the physical representation of it, without me realizing, it was out of control. This may be hard to believe, but, it felt as if... i had found my Soulmate! The one and only woman i had waited for my entire Life! The ideal person for me. "True Love"
I don't know if there's any connection between Souls that transcends the physical, or if it's even possible to be united in such a way, and continue beyond death, all i know is what i felt. She somehow caused the strongest impression on me. "I have to do everything to keep her in my Life." She struck me like lightning to my heart, my brain was fueled by her. She was the only person who cared about me, and had interest in my life, my only friend. Also appearances aren't really important, but to me, she was gorgeous! It was like i had never seen a woman in my entire Life. Everything about her fascinated me, i couldn't have enough of her. It felt like she was like me somehow, and we emotionally fit like 2 pieces of a 2 piece puzzle. I trusted her. She was my friend as much as possible and i hers. She was the only person who made me feel better. There was no one else but her in my mind. She made me want to live again. I felt like i had finally found the person i was looking for, and we were meant to be together.
But, my life was ruined from before, and we couldn't even be together because of the distance. I wasn't fully aware of reality because i was in a very bad mental state. All of this is too much, i know, i am ridiculous, sick, worthless, traumatized, hopeless, insane, that's me, and i don't care, because if this had no value, then nothing i've ever done in my life had any value!
I do not understand why she was so precious to me, why would she be? Why do i still remember her everyday, when she is so far away, living her Life, and does not even remember i exist! Why then? I mean nothing to her, so why? After she was gone without warning, life for me became unbearable, i spent 2 months crying myself to sleep, feeling lost like an abandoned child, anxious, living in disbelief, psychologically disturbed. I searched for her so damn much i couldn't eat or rest, months later i tried to forget her, to no avail. Then i became very ill to a whole new level, lost interest in everything, tried to kill myself again, and isolated myself from everyone, did horrible things to myself, and spent 3 years day and night alone at home wanting to die everyday, numb, silent, a grief-stricken walking dead despised by everyone and hated by my own mother.
I never got better, could never recover, it goes way back before her, so she's not to blame for anything, really, i am! I just feel less miserable after my stay at the hospital, since i started going out everyday and doing what i can manage for myself.
My heart desires no one else, even after more than 3 years! If it was possible and she truly wanted to be with me, together everyday, even if she had severe health problems, no money, no family, no home, it would make no difference, i would accept her. All i wanted was to be with her, unite and warm each other's bodies, share the same desire, breathe the same air, eat the same food, feel her body on top of mine, be touched, kissed, caressed, become one with her, live for each other, i would always take care of her, as long as she was mine and only mine i would be hers as well. I know how silly all of this looks, but this is me, being a hopeless romantic deluded stupid fool who's always been alone, who has nothing but 4 walls around him and pain inside his body and torment in his head, that don't go away...
Later, when i found out the meaning of her name and how it related to my Life, i realized what i had lost completely was not just her, but what she represented! I couldn't think about anything else anymore, having to sleep from exhaustion after crying, agony took over my life, and this continued for time immemorial. I just wanted to be loved by one person once in my Life, instead, i ended up being absolutely alone, it's not fair! Somehow i am hopelessly lovesick and severely traumatized at the same time, i can't feel any joy or happiness(whatever that is), i don't smile or have fun, i don't touch or talk to anyone unless i really have to, i can't think clearly or sleep well anymore.
I can't believe she didn't even care to say goodbye to me, it hurts me to no end! Just proves how worthless i am, everyone can just abandon me to go be "happy" somewhere else with someone else, i never had a chance. If my "True Love" is worthless then i just want death to take me! So, what have i been doing all these years? I've been alone at home. Why? I can't really explain it, but i failed at everything, then extreme loneliness pulled me in and consumed me, i simply lost the will to live when i realized what my Life had become, tried to end myself, and never felt it again. Being alone is all i know and remember, yet i never asked for it. I don't belong anywhere.
I have not, and will not ever care about anyone anymore. When an important person disappears from our lives, no one else can take their place, there are no substitutes. There's nothing worth living for, i can only hate being forced to stay alive, it's pure torture, i haven't received the slightest amount of affection from anyone, i basically grew up cold and untouched. I make a tremendous effort to stay alive, and get no reward for it whatsoever, nothing good ever happened to me! No one understands how i feel, since August 2006 i spent at least 95% of the time awake completely alone, i went through such misery that ruined me for Life. It's amazing how i can go out everyday now and have 2 occupations, when i only used to have a few hours of social interaction a month! Nothing makes sense to me anymore, i want to disappear. Maybe i should be ashamed for writing all of this, yet i'm not, because it's all true, and i don't have 1 person to talk to anyway, so that's what this blog is here for, because i couldn't bear to keep all these feelings and thoughts inside me anymore. I've been, am, and will be, alone, at home, and endure through misery and pain and loneliness and anguish, until i perish, for there's no reason to live for anymore. And that's why i'm so different from everyone else. Without her, my desire is to die alone. There's nothing else i want from this world...
To me, Life without True Love, is meaningless!
Farewell, my dream that never was.
Nozomi Luís
In the end, my dream was nothing more, than a childish delusion...
Yesterday i found an old photo album, that i didn't even know existed, i thought i had removed all my photos of childhood from where they were and destroyed them all, and that there were none left now, because i don't want any photos of myself left in this house, and i almost can't stand looking at them, but it turns out i missed 6. But i can't really say i identify with the person in the photos, i don't feel that hurt by looking at these ones, but it feels very distant, like it's another person, and i don't even remember the dog's name. I don't really remember that typical sunny day, and the quality of the photos is bad, but i thought they would be useful to represent a time in my life when i was still in the age of innocence, as a small child, i was only 5 years young or so. Memories bring me much sorrow and disappointment. These photos are now destroyed.
