TRANSCEND

While in a body, physical connection has far less importance than people believe it does, because anyone can touch someone else either by accident or help or desire or violence or rape. How important can the physical be then, if anyone can do anything to anyone else provided there's a chance and will to do so, with any motive behind it?

To feel a person's body, her weight, her warmth, her breath, that means the soul is there giving life to that body, but someday she eventually leaves the body and then it dies, there's no more weight, or warmth, or breath anymore. That person is gone to some other place.

How close can two souls get?
Is it even possible for two individuals to become one?
Can the hope of meeting after death become true?

To live in the same state of mind. Accept without distinction or worry. Sharing food, desire, and life. Affection without shame. Ardent embrace. To unite with someone, and be together, more than these physical bodies allow. Transcending the bond of humanly possible.

Too much to bear!

I can't rest or sleep well, it hurts to the points of agony from time to time, my head doesn't work and i can't focus, being alone at home having no social life of any kind again makes this torture similar to pain in my teeth that drives me mad, i want to kill myself but i feel so weak and depressed i barely move, i'm tired of being alive, i hate being alone, to me life is a punishment i am forced to go through against my will, and because the woman who represented my dream disappeared without a word i am completely lost in this darkness and cold. IT HURTS!!!!!!!
People kill themselves for much less than being alone at home 23hours a day, and how can stupid worthless me survive that long in hell, makes no sense, being alive makes no sense, reality makes no sense. I'm numb.
Often i think about hanging myself, or inhaling carbon monoxide to put me asleep forever, but i'm too weak, i've been there before, and, it's cruel! I have to force myself to breath as well, can't even cry right anymore, and it's Christmas, whatever that means, it hurts so much i can't sleep or even eat, IT HURTS being so miserable, she's gone don't even know if she's alive, my will to live is gone, my body heat is gone, my sanity is gone, i'm going to die without even knowing what having a woman just for me feels like, and i can't feel anything else but the pressure to kill myself, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopelesssss

"I Want To Be Alone"

Jackson C. Frank - ''I Want To Be Alone (Dialogue)'' [Electroma]

I, want to be alone
I need to touch each stone
face the grave that I have grown,
I want to be alone.

Before all the days are gone
and darker walls are bent and torn,
to pass the time of those who won
I want to be alone.

Rivers that run anywhere
are in my hand and just up the stairs
past the eyes of those who care
who can never be alone.

Changes where not ment to be 
told the hours of my memory.
Sing a song of the love to me
to say you must never never be alone

But tears of a silent rain
seek shelter on my broken pane
and run away but I remain
to speak the words 
that sing alone. 

I, want to be alone
I need to touch each stone
face the grave that I have grown,
I want to be alone.

Final scene from the movie "Electroma'' (2006) directed by Daft Punk. 
Distributed by Daft Arts / Wild Bunch.

Music: Jackson C. Frank - "I Want To Be Alone (Dialogue)" from the album ''Jackson C. Frank'' released by Columbia in 1965

_____________________________________________________________________________________

better to die alone, than live a lie

And yet, i'm still here...

People around me keep dying. It's the 4th family member this year, 2 lived in this house, had to watch 1 die.
When my mother dies, then, that's it, i'll be 100% alone. I don't even have anyone to talk to.
There's not a breath of will to live inside me, there's nothing i want from this world, only this body forcing me, punishing me for still being trapped here, in hell, and i have to wash it, and feed it, and put it to sleep, like a zombie. And for what? To stay alive? But i don't want to be alive, i hate all of this with a weakness, instead of passion.
It's been 4000 days, it's so cold and lifeless to be in this body.
Why be born, why be human? Such tremendous suffering and misery, being here makes no sense to me!

|Drowning /Torment

Fall into darkness,
 accidental trauma,
 pseudo selective mutism,
 hands out of reach,
 the aching of distance.

Thousand spent questions,
  the brain as a meal,
  occult beyond obvious,
  a sea of lies,
  grinding for answers.

Vessel for suffering,
 recycling of sins,
 draught inside,
 perpetuity.

Googling and ogling,
 the needs of weakness,
 avoidable regrets,
 actions of greed,
 broken pretensions,
 common sense prevails.

Out of focus,
 the plague of bad thoughts,
 unaware of reality,
 confusing sleep states,
 never ending nightmare.

The spitting of hate,
 a layer of filth,
 unwanted bonds,
 surrounded by shadow,
 triggers of rage,
 walls of avoidance,
 a coffin shaped sleep.

Twisted visions,
 uncomfortableness,
 remembering numb,
 mental block in the head,
 dull and motionlessness.
  Fear!

Thoughts of desire,
 much time spent,
 a void inside,
 swallowing feelings,
 memories of meaningless,
 untouched lifetime.

Mask of one expression,
 sparce of communication,
 unable to read minds,
 sighing and nodding,
 avoidance.

Imagination as failure,
 tortured into weakness,
 no sitting comfort,
 invisible hollow,
 all consuming void,
 the waiting of incapacitation.

No room to fall dead,
 ruin of hoarding,
 to see but not touch,
 the dead don't care.

Abandonment of help,
 her face amid tears,
 manifestations of begging,
 the chore of breathing,
 hanging upstraight,
 scrubbing away stress,
 drowning atmosphere,
 affliction of loss,
 a burden of grief.

Silently staring,
 a body most heavy,
 unable to act,
 crippling loneliness,
 imprisoned in misery,
 insults of worthlessness,
 shattering sanity,
 broken will,
 crying over a dimming existence.

Darkness

Why am i still alive?(i should know this)

There is nothing for me here.

No one understands.

Born to survive in solitary confinement.

The will to eat has left me.

Misery and pain.

Nothing good ever happened to me.

No one ever wanted to be with me.

I feel like i am always crying.

I just feel like dying every day.

The human life is a nightmare.

Suicide attempts feel like cruelty.

Everything i want always goes wrong.

I do not have the strength to try anymore.

I hate being forced to live in hell!

There is not one person for me to even talk to or touch.

I am completely alone...

When i disappear, this blog and my youtube account, will be the only proof i ever existed.

I wish i could finally rest...

It would really just be putting me out of my misery, really.
There's no need to feel sad about it, i "died" long ago, anyway.
No person should live a life like this.
Having to force this human body to stay alive, what did i do to deserve this punishment?
Morbid.
You cannot choose everything about your life, just because you can move and become independent.
I have become loneliness incarnate.
I'm tired, have been so for 10 years, each one worse than the previous, i can't still believe it, what my life has become.
Tired of my life, of my body, of my "family", of my house, of being alone, of being lonely, of being sick, of being poor, of being rejected, of being in hell, of being living a nightmare, of being alive.
Obviously, if i could kill myself i wouldn't be writing this shit, i'd be long gone, and it would be fine.
I'm still waiting for my time to come, life is so long, i wish i don't come back anymore.
There's no other reason for me being alive, than to experience more suffering, how much i can swallow before i explode.
If i could die today...
It would be fine.

Behavior is either moral(right), or immoral(wrong)

There's no such thing as different morality for different people and different cases.
IT'S ALL THE SAME AND EQUAL MEANING FOR EVERYONE!
Either something is moral, or it is immoral.
If it's MORAL it's RIGHT.
If it's IMMORAL it's WRONG.
Just like programming a computer, and the same way, how humans are programmed.
There is a line on the ground, it's called MORALITY, and if you stray outside that line, you're in IMMORALITY.
Without exception, for everything you think, say, do, has a consequence.
ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!
Doesn't even matter in the slightest, if you are aware of how this place works or not.
It's really that simple, and there's no escaping it, and you'll find out what i mean, much, much later.

My hate is (wrong but) justifiable!!!!

(I do know hate is self harm, but i'm under too much stress and have nowhere else to go live.)

There is no rest, no peace, no quietness, no morality, no respect, no decency, no thinking, no help, nothing pleasant about "my family", (and not just here but with people in general as well i might add) not 10 years ago, not 5 years ago, not last year, not last month, not last week, not yesterday, not today, and i'm sure without it even happening yet that there won't be any tomorrow, or the day after, or the month, after that, or the year after that, there won't be ANY improvement because like the VAST majority of "humans" "my family" is DEAD as well!!!
But this doesn't come out of nowhere, the THOUSANDS of horrible experiences i've had both with "family" and people in general make me feel nothing but despise and hate for "them".
The things that happen in this house alone are 100 times enough to make anyone hate having a "family", so much that if i'm still alive when they all die, or if the "family" that lives outside my house dies, i will absolutely not feel any kind of even the slightest bit of sadness for any of them, my face will not change!!
Those who talk so highly about family don't know what domestic VIOLENCE is! They were not born with the extreme bad luck that me and other unfortunate individuals were born into.
And yes, i can write all of this and even more if i want to, because the hate i am feeling, it is ABSOLUTELY JUSTIFIABLE, and since i have not one person to help me get out of here, i have to isolate myself like i don't even belong in this world, just because the alternative is unbearable.
Family? What family? Humans? Oh, those who live in ignorance like animals? In general, humans are worse than animals because they know the difference between good and evil, yet they choose to live like slaves hurting themselves and others while belonging to this world more and more, engorging themselves with satanism, they live in hell and they adore it, and that's why i say they're dead, because they don't know and don't care. The biggest sin anyone can commit is having a baby!

RAGE

The world has turned to a mad house living in insanity and gone to the pigs to consume, kill, and destroy!
Stupid, stupid, stupid people, i've had to witness such acts of unbelievable idiocracy, suddenly people commit such acts of retarded behaviour that i don't have the patience right now to express how i feel about both it and them!
How can people act like they have shit for brains? How?! It keeps geting worse and worse, so much i can barely be around people for too long anymore.
And the unfairness of what happens to bad people that doesn't happen to moral, right, calm, peaceful, inteligent, sane people, i've watched enough to fill me with stress right up to my hair, it makes my whole body shake with fury!!!
From liars being rewarded, killers walking free, harassment being permited, satanism promoted as right behaviour, psychopaths leading the dead, unspeakable acts, babies being neglected to death, these fake agressive abusers getting treated like they're nice people, violent people hurting innocent individuals to the point of destroying their bodies and even lives, war...
I've had it with these... humans.
I don't care how much these immoral wicked filthy scumbags suffer, every single one of these beasts  in a human body living in this world can go to hell, and stay there! Oh, silly me, that's right, we are already in hell!!!!!!!
If when i die, i can choose, i'm never, ever, coming back to this place. Never again!

Ripping| Through/

Dead before time,
 embodiment of satan,
 the philosophers of lucifer,
 deserved is their stay,
 wont for bliss,
 a rotting grave.

You win and you die.
 Shatter!
  Sleeping the sheep,
  sitting the plant,
  soiling the feet,
  fire through it,
  need is for strong.

Source is worth,

 struggle a bubble,

 questions of fail,
 stop.

The scared child,
 veiled is the window,
 mortal in hurricane,
 the line of right,
 quiet five masters.

Lost is a fragment,
 covered by light,
 who is not in the know,
 and is yet to lament.

Faces of fear,
 crushers and slashers,
 a monster of red,
 addicted to shrivel,
 falling for life.
  Opposite day is every day.

I can't sleep

I need the sleep so much, because i go to work after lunch and get out at midnight, but i've been awake for hours in bed, fighting anguish and violent thoughts that i can't get rid of, they keep coming to my head, because i can't stop thinking about her.
 Where are you?
For some reason i feel restless even knowing this is all for nothing!
There's no way i can sleep now.
 How am i going to work?
This trauma of abandonment is stronger than anything i can describe, i stay in a state of disbelief for too long, it ruins my day every time this happens, i can't rest, it's impossible, she had no idea how important she was to me when she disappeared suddenly.
I needed her!
Still do?
Why?
I've only been alone my entire life, waiting for true love like a sucker, like a child!
 What madness drives me to feel like ripping through my chest with my hands until i lose my strength?
Why is my head filled with the desire to hurt myself for not deserving to be with her?
I'm so stressed.
Help!
Why did this have to happen to me, it's a sickness, there's no cure but death, and i have to suffer in misery like a beast chained to a rock inside a cave.
I feel like hanging myself or crying to the floor!
I'm so hopeless i hate to be alive.
What do i do now?
Excruciating, this is torture.
I wish i could forget everything.
I wish i could kill myself, because i'm so afraid to fail again.
No one would understand that i don't want to be alive anymore, there's nothing in this world for me, nothing!
All i wanted was her.
When will this end?
I am desolate.
How can i do anything if i'm so stupid these feelings still live inside me after more than 4 years?
What am i supposed to do?
What i wanted above everything i felt for her only.
Why do i have to be alive if i failed?
I want to do violent things to myself, i deserve no better, i can't even cry right anymore.
A face washed with tears is worthless, there's nothing but misery here.
I can't stand being alive, i feel furious, i want to die!
I don't want to be alive anymore, i don't care, i'm going to lose my head

So, life in this world is a punishment, for what exactly?

While reading The Forgotten Books of Eden, by Rutherford H. Platt, Jr., [1926], at sacred-texts.com i stopped at chapter 25(XXV) of the first(1st) book, wanting to write some of the thoughts going through my head, so what follows, it's surely not meant to be coherent.

If "Adam" and "Eve" were on the garden with "God", and the "serpent" lied to them and they ate from the "Tree of Knowledge", and for that were punished to become human and live in this world below for a certain amount of time, until their covenant with "God" was fulfilled, then... what did they do wrong exactly?

What is the "Tree of Knowledge"? Where is it? Can you eat fruit from it? Is it physical? What is it all about?

And why was the "serpent(Satan/the "god" of this world)" jealous and lie? Why was it even there? There where exactly?

Who was it that wrote the diaries of "Adam" and "Eve"?

And why do i feel like an inferior ignorant version of "Adam"? I know the texts are not 100% Truth, but still, what exactly do those individuals who wrote those old texts want to pass on after all that i still can't seem to understand?

This is not "it", i do know that! What is "this" then exactly all about?

As it appears, there is no human without sin.
It seems unfair to me, to have to pay for the sins of the first humans, whatever truly happened to them, long, long ago...

_________________________________________________________________________________
P.S. - I'm not a member of any religion or anti-religion and that's why i "quote" words, i simply have an interest in old texts because they are closer to Truth, even if floating on a sea of perversions, that includes religions and why they were created and spread, promoted, after all, to initiate those in ignorance, but in an erroneous way, for an specific purpose. I digress.

I can't wait to get out...

I c😢ould repeat t😢his every day. No, i cou😢😢te being aliv😢😢t😢here's no😢thing but suffer😢ing and pain a😢nd insanity😢 and torture the w😢😢hole😢 day, e😢very week, ev😢ery 😢month, ever😢😢y 😢ear. T😢😢ere's 😢n😢othing else!!!😢😢😢😢😢 Wh😢en is th😢time 😢of m😢y de😢at😢h? I😢😢w😢ish i k😢😢ew...
😢My situat😢on will never get 😢better, so why😢😢can'😢 i die n😢? I w😢😢nt to😢
rest!!!😢😢

Difficulty breathing under strong rain and wind!

It started pouring rain so i had to go upstairs to pick up some things and clothes, i had to be fast, but in the middle of it i found myself getting drenched and having difficulty breathing, why was that? I wasn't drinking the rain, and the wind wasn't that fast, yet my chest started to hurt, and it felt like i was being coated in water and starting to drown in a dense atmosphere. That was strange!

It still hurts this much after 4 years ?!

All i have are these walls around me, I KNOW THAT, it's all i have, and when i die that's all i'll lose.
Every week i have to keep reminding myself of that.
I know better, but still this happens!
Why did this happen to me, when it's useless and worthless? "True Love" doesn't even exist!! If i didn't deserve to be with her, i couldn't kill myself either, and why? I had nothing else in my life to life for! My life was 100% done. It makes no sense why i got a tremendous flow of failure and negativity since i can remember.
She keeps coming to my head, this strange heaviness in my brain doesn't let me rest, memories swallow me whole, pain fills my chest, i can't focus on anything, it increases in intensity from time to time, and i can't stop it!
She disappeared, i've been mourning ever since, that means she died, doesn't it?
Seeing her again would be a shock to me, i feel like i'd not be able to stop from hurting my body feeling i deserve it, and hanging myself until the weakness takes me and i fall to the floor crying in misery again.
Why can't i kill myself? I've got a terminal illness, i've begged to die a thousand times, i've lost my sanity and went crazy in complete isolation from the outside world, i've created and consumed a hurricane of emotions and feelings, and all for what?
Why am i still alive?
Why can't i die? It's all i want! All i have left, i'm sure of it, then why?
I want to die when i got to bed at night, i wake up feeling the same when i wake up.
THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!
Why? And alone, everything there is to know about me is that i've been alone for more years than anyone else i know of or ever met.
I never asked for any of it!! My life was ruined without recovery possible.
All i wanted since i was a child was to be loved by one girl only, just one. To feel and know what it is like, to... (i wish i could explain it, but i really can't, you'd have to have been alone your entire life and descended into near death misery for years to understand the kind of brutality i've been through)
I am alone! That is absolute fact, it defines my life. I am alone! SO WHY CAN'T I DIE???
Why? Can't i at least deserve to know?

APOCALYPSE

Apocalypse: (Ancient Greek: ἀποκάλυψις apokálypsis, from ἀπό and καλύπτω meaning "uncovering"), translated literally from Greek, is a disclosure of knowledge, an unveiling, a revelation, a disclosure of something hidden

(too bad, i had written a publication about this some timeago but i deleted it, because of its harsh content and details)

Every single individual needs an APOCALYPSE in their lives to uncover, reveal, unveil, TRUTH to them, which is what the meaning of the word is all about!
That is the only way there is to help everyone, but i can not do it, for i am in this human shape like everyone else, and i do not have the power to do it, and i know such an event will not take place again, for it already happened long ago.
I understand what needs to be done, despite not knowing how to do it. But still, if the power was passed on/down to me from "divinity" it would be for that purpose, and i would do it! But that is just something in my head, related to true care and being wrong and ignorant at the same time, it will never happen, i can not help everyone, they must suffer for being wrong and be corrected, and so do i.

Day: 23; Month: April; Year: doesn't matter anymore

Another birthday, another year still alive in this world.
Alone and lonely almost 23 hours a day, going for 11 years straight.
Some day i will deserve to die, and it will be good.

Meaningless

Occult(Hidden) Meaning of Life, put extremely simple by me, for you

In my own words, what people call "the meaning of life", not only can, but is must be known, for it is related to why you are here. It is the same for everyone, and has nothing to do with what people want. In fact, it is closer to the opposite of what people want, than anything else they can imagine. But even if, or when you find it, doesn't mean you understand it, or know how to do it. I certainly cannot, not yet, not as i am now. You can be guided to it, but that's just the beginning, long journey.

UNDERSTANDING

The Divine Pymander

HERMES TRISMEGISTUS, HIS FIRST BOOK

"1. O MY SON, write this First Book, both for Humanity's sake, and for Piety towards god.
2. For there can be no Religion more true or just, than to know the things that are; and to acknowledge thanks for all things, to Him that made them, which thing I shall not cease continually to do.
3. What then should a man do, O Father, to lead his life well; seeing there is nothing here true?
4. Be Pious and Religious, O my Son; for he that doth so, is the best and highest Philosopher, and without Philosophy it is impossible ever to attain to the height and exactness of Piety and Religion.
5. But he that shall learn and study the things that are, and how they are ordered and governed, and by whom, and for what cause, or to what end. Will acknowledge thanks to the Workman, as to a good Father, an excellent Nurse, and a faithful Steward, and he that gives thanks shall be Pious or Religious, and he that is Religious shall know both where the truth is, and what it is, and learning that he will be yet more and more Religious.
6. For never, O my Son, shall, or can that soul, which, while it is in the body, lightens and lifts up itself to know and comprehend that which is good and true, slide back to the contrary. For it is infinitely enamoured thereof, and forgetteth all evils; and when it hath learned and known its Father and Progenitor, it can no more apostatize or depart from that good.
7. And let this, O Son, be the end of Religion and Piety; whereunto thou art once arrived, thou shalt both live well and die blessedly, whilst thy soul is not ignorant wither it must return, and fly back again.
8. For this only, O Son, is the way to Truth, which our Progenitors travelled in; and by which making their journey, they at length attained to the good. It is a venerable way and plain, but hard and difficult for the soul to go in that is in the body.
9. For first must it war against its own self, and after much strife and dissention, it must be overcome of the part; for the contention is of one against two, whilst it flies away, and they strive to hold and detain it.
10. But the victory of both is not like, for the one hasteth to that which is Good, but the other is a neighbour to the things that are Evil; and that which is Good desireth to be set at liberty, but the things that are Evil love bondage and Slavery.
11. And if the two parts be overcome, they become quiet, and are content to accept of it as their Ruler; but if the one be overcome of the two, it is by them led and carried to be punished by its being and continuance here.
12. This is, O Son, the Guide in the way that leads thither; for thou must first forsake the Body before thy end, and get the victory in this contention and strifeful life, and when thou hast overcome, return."


http://www.sacred-texts.com/eso/pym/index.htm

Unbearable

Stuck in the past, having difficulty breathing, shocked by watching the dog die in misery today and carrying his cold dead body to his grave, being in silence having absolutely no contact with anyone outside this house, feeling pain and distress every day, going hungry and cold and weak because my brain feels heavy and clouded from not having any social life of any kind, not being touched by anyone, not having one person to talk to, not having anything to do, not having a job, not being able to be around people for too long, i can't rest, i can't sleep, i feel desperate, feeling like i'm being tortured is what it feels to be alive to me! I want to die right now, because i can't handle living like this for much longer. I'm so dead inside, i'm about to lose the strenght to move.💔😭As i'm dying here, i only wish i had one person who loved me. It's not worth being alive like this!!

Correlations of Collections without Relations 3

Little more than a year ago, during winter, i felt sick and cold in the afternoon, which wasn't uncommon, but some hours later i was shaking and definitely needed to go to bed, so i went. It was around 23:00, i had my clothes on, was covered to my mouth, my skin was feverish hot, but my body was shivering, i was crying, and it hurt. I spent almost one hour like that. It was so strange, because the next day i felt "normal" again.
º
I never met someone like me, whatever that means.
º
What's up with women, and their sense of balance? Takeshi's Castle.
º
I wish i could talk to the first humans.
º
4 years of severe P.T.S.D. of Abandonment, eating away at my brain. My fault, my guilt, 'til death puts an end to it.
º
*sigh* What's the point...
º
Last year i went to a gym for a few months, i would spend around 2 hours training, every 2 days. That was the best i've ever felt these past 5 to 9 years.
º
Crying is useless, i learned that many years ago.
º
Uh~~... i'm tired of everything around me, yet i can't even rest properly, it's been 5 years since i last slept well.(i may have written this twice, hope not, but it's not even worth the time to check, because only 6 to 10 people are going to read this)
º
Your problems cannot be solved with drugs.
º
I wish i had a friend, only one.😢
º
Don't do as i do, do as i say.
º
Nozomi... it felt as if there were only two people in the entire world, and then she disappeared, leaving me all alone to die.
º
*screaming*AAAAAGONNYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
º
Music is not just to listen to. You'll have to figure it out what that means.
º
Why do i like Japan so much? Because it's so far away from here, so different, so interesting!
º
I know exactly what insanity is, to do the same thing, expecting different results! The story of my life. Bah~~!
º
Eating fruit is healthy, drinking fruit juice is not.
º
I may have spent 70 to 80 thousand hours alone these past 11 years, can't really be certain, but it's close. Well, i could cry a river of tears, but i already feel like i'm drowning.
º
You don't choose the family you're born into.
º
(only red)Roses are red, Violets are violet(obviously), These stupid little poems aren't funny(!), And neither is this.
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It's almost certain now, that i will never try to kill myself again."IT'S CRUEL!!" were my only words as i was trying the last time.
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Poor dog, can't even get up and drink water anymore, his kidneys don't work, and he cannot be cured, will be put to sleep forever tomorrow morning. So many years, so much suffering... he deserved better.🐶

Correlations of Collections without Relations 2

People who pretend to be suffering from something i suffer from, when all they want is attention, make me feel angry, but i don't tell them anything anymore. And yes, i am able to sense fakery, if i had experienced the real deal. Don't try to pretend you're an expert on suffering, spoiled child! You, with nice skin, new clothes, clean homes, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, supporting family, job, car, money, happiness, good health, social life, hobbies, new gadgets, plentiful foods and drinks, house appliances, pets, big houses, parties, pleasures, and childish smiles, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT SUFFERING?!
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When i was little i had a cat at home, his name was Tommy, for some reason! He would jump the back wall to the neighbour's house, and when he came back, he'd hide under the kitchen table. Once he had fleas. What happened to him?
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I absolutely ADORE travelling, but i don't have the money or company to satisfy that passion of mine. Great, now i feel miserable again...
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When in doubt, don't do it!
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Look at the horizon sideways. Look up until you see only the night sky around you.
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It's past lunch time, and i haven't eaten anything yet, again. I'm going to prepare something to eat, or my body will start complaining again, damn human body, trap for me(soul)! And people actually enjoy being here? Un-freaking-believable!!!
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The oldest, or youngest(?), memory i have is from when i was around 6 years old, or young(?). I was here in the street, at a friend's house with him, his grandfather and another friend or two. His grandfather said something like the first one to the church wins an icecream, later we ran up the street to the church, up the steps like a race, and to the top.
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Don't watch television!
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People ruin everything.
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I just sat here, staring into oblivion. My brain is hurting again, i want it removed! *DISTRESS* I still can't believe i never had even one person, who wanted to be with me! NOT! EVEN! ONE! "True Love" my ass, what was i thinking?!! *ANGUISH*
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The best place to be, is wherever other people are not. That said, having land and house of your own is the best, having a free to leave prison cell in a building in some city is the worst. Don't even want to go deeper into this, i've done this before!
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It's not like if i could, i wouldn't live a so called "normal life".
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I see dead people! They're everywhere. (allegory)
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These things aren't writen in order, it's always a work in progress, edit kind of thing.
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I don't have a person to talk to, so i have to talk to myself, or sometimes write here. and delete the worst of the worst.
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When i let my beard grow for a week or more, i end up not liking how i look, but i'm trying it now, just because i never went this far before.
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Many years ago, i enjoyed reading magazines and books, but eventually i stopped buying them. It's not like i'm not interested in them aymore, but reading, with the amounts of stress that flow through my body when i'm in this house, around these people, alone, i just want headphones, music, and internet.
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I've always been alone, i'm alone now, and i'm going to die alone, not because i want to, but i don't deserve any better.
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Once i was walking home, steps away from the front door, when something hits my head! I look around, and there's a sparrow on the ground, then it flies away.
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Practically everything i drink now is water. Maybe milk sometimes, rarely lemon+honey, tea or coffee.
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I know WHAT the purpose of Life is,(that's how most call it so that's how i wrote it), so i can sense immediately everything else that is not it, but i don't know HOW to fulfill it. I discovered it after i went through an Apocalypse, in the true meaning of the word.
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Spinning ballerina, change directions with your brain.
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I can't function as a human being anymore...

Correlations of Collections without Relations 1

Smiling is not for me, if i do it, it's not on purpose, i swear!
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One a day is enough, huh, hum, oh, i forgot... No comments please.
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How wrong i was, when many years ago, i told a jeovah's witness at my door that "i was my own god"! Such was my weakness and ignorance at the time, i had allowed "new(old) age" lies and buddhism to poison my head. When i see individuals saying they're gods, i don't even want to have any contact with them.
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I enjoy lifting weights, but i'm ot in a gym anymore, and being here is so depressing, there's days i barely move.
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IO MaleFemale InputOutput PenetratorPenetratee PenisVagina. LOOK AT THE POWER BUTTON, IT'S SEX TO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS! OH, THE IMMORALITY HIDDEN IN SIMBOLYSM...
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'Tis not the hand, you're looking for.
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Schizophrenia... hah! It never really came to my head to accept that, "hey, i have that too!". I never really bothered. It's just +1 problem to me. Maybe i'm so deep into it, that i barely notice anymore.
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(-: what? i don't always feel like writing! this one, will be left, blank :-)
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9 numbers in total then, 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 then, well then, that makes 10 then. If everything starts, then, from 0 except THE EVERYTHING, then my life started, then from 0 too, then, why hasn't it then left 0 yet, then, yet?
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Aprende uma língua nova, ou faz tradução, ao menos isso.
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My bodyweight seems to be stable at 98kg since i left the gym, but im not as strong and active as i used to be during the summer, I do miss those times, even if i had to walk alone.
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I really need to learn how to cook everything i could ever need, at least the basics, and it's not like what i can cook now isn't enough, because it is.
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4+2+3!=HELP ME DIE! Wow, i just noticed, it's my birthday, right after i wrote it! If you put the month first, that is.
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Ancient languages and civilizations are so interesting, the more ancient the better, but what was there before what history(?) is heavilly promoted to the peoples of this world? I wonder what happened before 5 or 6 thousand years ago. I wasn't there, so i don't know. But i'd like to know what happened in the beginning, and be there, to see experience how humanity started, and, well, since i'm at it, how EVERYTHING started. =^_^= miau!
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I decided to write 23 phrases for these things, the last one being out of bounds, fringe stuff. Whatever, i'm not thinking twice about this!
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DON'T SCREAM AT PEOPLE! It's so stressful and rude.
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Dogs are such nice people.
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You are not what you eat, but what you eat influences how you feel.
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Can you stop being so active now, brain? Jeez, cheese, Mary-Louise, give me a break. Oh! Right, the brain is already split in half, ain't it? (inserted Goodness Gracious Me non-reference)
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Psychiatric ward is the closest thing to a prison inside a hospital.
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When it's very cold around here, in the winter, my back hurts.
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My left eye can handle sunlight better than my right eye, in general, it sees better, clearly my dominant eye.
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It's midnight, there's nothing to do, my body is tired to the bones, so, i'm going to bed.

 Hmmm...   *thinking to myself*

 Bathroom first.

 Now to bed.

 Turn off the light, and...

Get comfy~~     SWEET DREAMS! 

Correlations of Collections without Relations 0

It's toxic, it hurts, inside
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Disdain
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I see the lives of others in fragments of succession
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Climb high, dig deep, you still cannot leave
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I'm no ""look at me, i've got beard on my face" man" man
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Eating out of necessity, my body needs it
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I'm ashamed to deserve to live like this, and not even knowing why
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Of the variety of ways to expel hate out of my body, i prefer to keep it private
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There's no justice in this place
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I hate couples who hug and kiss around other people in public places, they should be punished, or do it in privacy
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Some green pants i like, i admit
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I will remember her
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Drugs only are so because they're the refined product of something else
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If you for dare to believe you don't have free will, then obey my will, send me a message and i'll tell you how to live
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I've spent more time alone than doing anything else
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Japan, it captivates me so much, i've watched too much television, can't live another life in my imagination
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I've never truly known someone, no one has ever truly known me
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I know, i know, don't compare people's suffering
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Can't stand being around people for to long anymore, they always end up hurting me in some way
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How can anyone want to be happy in a world of suffering? Happiness is Ignorance! Suffering is introduced, happiness goes away.
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Even my body doesn't do what i want, how  is it only my fault for hurting so much, when i never received a moral education?
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Rocking back and forward in my chair, no stimulation, what a bore, i'm always cold, empty void, corrode exude, walls cry around me.
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23. So, skidoo. Done, bag it, pack it, tag it, stamp it, send it to Australia, it's their problem now!

Music is not just to listen to

Lacrimosa - W.A. Mozart

Lacrymosa dies illa,
qua resurget ex favilla
judicandus homo reus:
Huic ergo parce Deus.
Pie Jesu Domine,
Dona eis requiem.
Amen.

Mournful that day

When from the dust shall rise

Guilty man to be judged

Therefore spare him O God

Merciful Jesu

Lord Grant them rest! Amen!

A cat eating what?!

A banana? It's clearly edited to look that way, i call it a fake, everyone knows cats don't eat bananas, 'cause they can't peel them with them little fluffy paws, ain't it! Of course.

They order in.

Food for Thought

Eat up.

I am an Individual

I'm not "the people".

The Gullible

if i explained it to people, they would not believe me, and i know this from experience, it's quite obvious,

one cannot pass on understanding like it's a book, and even not by reading a book can one understand the message. 

i know what this fabricated event is about, it's a test, to find out how easy it currently is to control entire 

populations, and i have to say, it's a success, the next fabricated event will be both worse and last longer, increasingly over generations the people have become easier to control, both because each day that goes by they are further from the beginning and so Truth, and because it's easier to control entire populations now thanks to technology which enslaves, group mentality, public schools, jobs, banks, government, money, sex, drugs, entertainment, it was never so easy to control the people, and it will become even worse in the next generations, until they die and never come back.

and the thing about slavery, it's voluntary.

the people are the ones creating these situations, by believing they're taking shape. without the people,

there would be no problems, like there are always. those who control the perception of the people need only

to plan what they want the people to believe, and spread it through the television, and the other means of 

communication that they own, and the people will believe it, without fail. that is how easy it is to control them, because when you know nothing, you will believe anything.

people policing each other, made to believe they're better than others, like well trained pets for their masters who are also slaves. everyone is here for the same reason, and it has everything to do with the original sin, which i don't believe it was simply eating from a tree, and with sex which is the beginning of all suffering and continuance here.

but i am immune to it, i don't watch television, i'm not a zombie, i don't believe what i'm told

zombies acting like nobody died before this fabricated event

i know this is just another fabricated event to control the people, it's as obvious to me as stupidity ignorance and evil are to the people, and by people i mean practically everyone

the next time an event like this is fabricated, the people will accept even more slavery

mind control from a distance, television, internet, and bilions of zombies obeying, believing what they're told, like the perfect slaves they are, accepting more control, until eventually they cannot do anything without asking permission, and even then, well it's happening now in such a magnitude like never before, but not even when it's so beyond obvious even a dumb stupid idiot will realize he/she is a slave living for the will of others, and that's not even counting the reason why everyone is here, but that's too much above too much above too much, not even then they willwant to be free, because they are still completely human in conscience, and so slavery is what they were born into.

i wish people left me out of their evil, disgustingness, stupidity

i feel completely alone in this, these people who want to control others deserve to be thrown in a dark hole,

and never see sunlight again until they die

problem: suffering

solution: stop having sex

The people will consume anything that is promoted to them.
The people don't care if it's true or not.
The people just want to be entertained.
The people are easily manipulated.
The people are dead inside.

And this fake virus is just another fabricatd event for the people to live in fear and accept vaccinations, taxes, methods of control, be distracted from that which is important, give power to those who tell them how to live, it's that old history of being human and how every individual will live countless human lives in suffering until they understand that they do not belong here and there is a way to escape.

What do YOU know? Really!

Can YOU actually prove anything you believe in? Or is it just a belief? Told to believe?

A simple enough example: Is this world round? Is it flat?

CAN YOU PROVE IT?

And i don't care if this world is round or flat, it's just an example question.

DO YOU EVER QUESTION ANYTHING?

What do YOU know? Not what other people say it's like this or that.

YOU, YOURSELF

WHAT

DO

YOU

KNOW?

Satanism

Satanism is to go against the will of the Creator, put simple, i never read the Bible but i won't explain myself either.
I used to believe it was what i wrote below, but as it includes satanism, it's not the meaning of it.
"Me. Me. Me!
How can i pleasure myself even more?
How can i imprison myself to this body and this world even more?
How can i hurt myself and hate myself and others even more?
How can i ignore Truth even more, oh how, please someone tell me how to live my life to the fullest and become completely human to the death, and be born to ignorance and suffering again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.
I want nothing more than to live forever in a hurricane of orgasms and bliss, oh please, fill me up, i don't want to care about anything or anyone anymore.
Please. I'll do anything. ANYTHING!"

Money and the Prison of Belief

People are slaves, all slaves need money! If you believe that money exists, then you are a slave to whoever has it, and you don't even realize it. That's what schools are for, to raise the perfect slaves, and get them to work for others, to keep the system of slavery alive, like a machine that always needs sacrifice to keep working.

It's too much when someone does anything for money, and people do everything for it, without realizing it does not exist, and they are harming themselves in unspeakable ways, but there's nothing i can do for them, the life of a slave is all they know, and they will be corrected with suffering without mercy.

Whoever has land with a house, food, and water, has everything they need from this world.   

People don't want to be free, for that they have to assume responsibility for themselves, and money is what makes them believe they don't have to be responsible, for someone else will accept to do what they want, as long as they get money, which doesn't exist, and never will.

The belief in money is a mental illness, willing slavery, and the whole world is sick with it! What is the solution? Well, the solution is to be found on a personal level, what needs to be done only you can do it, and there is no escaping it, as you will later experience for yourself.

A Right Causes No Harm

Simple.

Now you know what the definition of a Right is.

A theory is as worthless as your opinion if it's not Truth

So if you think something is a FACT, just because you believe it to be true, stop, and PROVE IT, don't believe what you're told!

The important questions are the ones only you can answer to yourself

Not other people. Do you have any truly important questions? Ask yourself!

Plus, when you ask someone a question, you are giving them power over you, like a child asking for permission from the parents, to be told HOW it is, instead of you searching for it.

There's no such thing as "try and you'll get what you want"

Life definitely does NOT work like that, and the proof is all around yourself.

Is what you want even moral? Is it right? Is it true? Is it good? Is it a priority? Is it even important? Is it?

I feel i've been alive for so long

I'm starting to believe i'm cursed to live(suffer) forever.

Not to be taken seriously, i'm not joking.

If you want a baby

Look around yourself first, absorb the tremendous pain and misery of other people, and think about how much suffering your baby is going to experience, just because you are so ignorant and irresponsible, you've got no clue, WHY you are here, in a human body, in this world, and you want to be responsible for bringing another soul, to this place. To HELL! Without even knowing how this place works and how to get out.

The only reason

Why people enjoy living in this world, is because they do not know what this place really is!

I'm sick of it

Is there anything besides suffering in this world? How can anyone go 1 single day without suffering? I have no idea how ignorant(happy) they have to be! All i see is psychopaths causing harm to themselves and others around me. Is everyone else dead inside?

Harpsichord Music Presentation 6 (end)

"True music literally keeps the voices of insanity away."

All the Harpsichord compositions i published in my blog give me mental comfort and make me imagine things, take me away, relax me, and are precious to me because of why i listen to them so much every single day. Many years ago i heard a harpsichord being played, but i didn't know what it was, much time later, after hearing it again on a television show, i finally decided to search for what it was that produced that sound. I discovered the name and right after i saw the musical instrument that created such interesting sounds that i felt so attracted to, i don't even know why! More than 3 years have passed, and i've found some true musical treasures so well hidden and so rich and precious, i feel attached to them somehow. There are many types of harpsichords that produce different sounds, the ones i like are very few, and i felt something inside me some time ago, when i finally discovered true music, and it felt so special to me, i absolutely adore harpsichord music, but i have to search really hard to find the compositions and versions superior to all others, and those are the ones i listen to, and promote.

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