Edit: If you ever read this, contact me using your old email, I want this to end.
To the Ones leaving without saying Goodbye
For too long have I struggled to find a meaning for writing and ending this, to say these last words, and now, after 6 years and almost 2 weeks of your disappearance during the 3rd week of February in 2013, the last person I called "friend", you disappeared and never gave me closure, what followed was unbearable, so over time I've written my memories about you out of necessity, in my blog, so many I had to delete some, and now I cannot feel a justification anymore to write anything else, after this there's nothing else to write.
Other people are allowed to have feelings, friends, relationships, but I am not?
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| nozomi varekova |
To the Ones leaving without saying Goodbye
For too long have I struggled to find a meaning for writing and ending this, to say these last words, and now, after 6 years and almost 2 weeks of your disappearance during the 3rd week of February in 2013, the last person I called "friend", you disappeared and never gave me closure, what followed was unbearable, so over time I've written my memories about you out of necessity, in my blog, so many I had to delete some, and now I cannot feel a justification anymore to write anything else, after this there's nothing else to write.
Other people are allowed to have feelings, friends, relationships, but I am not?
You dumped your suffering on me, pretending to be a victim, got closer, lied to me, knowing I wanted you in my life even if I never told you why, and later disappeared without even saying goodbye, like I meant nothing to you, like I had no value, like I was a dog on the side of a road, you didn't even care to say goodbye, didn't care about how much I was going to suffer, you never gave me closure.
I can never forgive you.
After you disappeared from my life I could never again rest or sleep well, for months I tried to find you and contact you, suffering so much I couldn't eat enough, couldn't relax, couldn't concentrate, not knowing what happened to you, I would check my email 40 times a day, stay awake until late, try to understand how was this my fault, what did I do wrong, I didn't know if you were even alive.
I could never be the same person again, it's because of you I developed Borderline Personality Disorder and feel so sad and so angry, my abandonment trauma became unbearable, it's because of you I can't have friends afraid they'll hurt me or abandon me, it's because of you I started hating people, it's because of you I can't rest or sleep well anymore, it's because of you I developed stress from spending such a long time living in disbelief trying to understand why you abandoned me without even saying goodbye.
For all that and more I hate you Nozomi Varekova, liar, traitor, you deserve to be punished with the same agony and suffering you caused me.
Every year for some weeks, this abandonment trauma gets so intense, it makes me feel crazy having to endure this, it's torture!
You deserve to be abandoned by the person you desire to be with the most, without even a goodbye, and have to live with the same suffering you caused me, all the regret, the crying, hurting without knowing what happened, without resting or sleeping well, not being able to feel better, not being able to forget, and it never ends.
You will always be remembered in my video and this blog, Nozomi Varekova, liar, traitor.
What did I ever do to you, to deserve being abandoned without even a goodbye?
All I wanted was to be with you.
The feeling I had was so intense, it made me believe we belonged together, it felt right, like you were the woman I had been waiting for, like us being together would solve our problems, like I understood your suffering, I wanted to hug you and never let go, it felt like we had been separated long ago and now that I found you this need to be with you activated, and it was so strong I could think of nothing else.
This was the only time in my life I had this feeling, don't understand why it happened or why it failed.
I can never let it go even if I could, because that would mean all my suffering was for nothing, I will never accept it, it's unbearable anyway!
Unfortunately for me this trauma will hurt me all my life, and I can't understand why this happened. Is this my fault?
Where is the justice? Where is my peace? What did I do to deserve this daily mental anguish?
You could have just said you didn't want to talk to me anymore, and say goodbye. Why did you have to disappear? I don't even know what happened to you.
It's not fair you don't even know the never-ending pain you caused me, it's not fair I have to suffer every single day, even years after, because of this trauma that doesn't end, it's not fair.
I will meet you after death and end this, if possible.
If you're still alive I can't deal with that fact, because the implication would be you care nothing about me.
I hate you Nozomi Varekova.
I wish you could feel what I feel.
I wish I had never met you.
I didn't deserve this.
I can't believe it was all for nothing.
