I still remember when i lost the will to live

It was for certain on a friday day 13, i suppose in May, 10 years ago, but i stopped caring about the future that day, so whichever date doesn't really matter to me.

Before that day, i was living in such a deep depression and isolation, that i would cry rivers of tears from my eyes, every day, on purpose to try to get rid of all the pain through feeling relieved, or as if my tears couldn't possibly last forever, and i believed if i released what i felt then it had to get better some day. But the opposite happened.

I was watching "Youth without Youth" on my bedroom, sitting in my office chair, to use the film as a trigger to make me cry like crazy because i identified with the main character, so it was one of several things i had at my disposal that easily made me cry.
After 30 seconds i was washing my face with tears, then it continued to get stronger, and when  my body bent forward on the chair, my nose started running, i couldn't see anymore because of the tears, my body was aching horribly as i started to panic, when i realized that was all my life had become, me alone in my bedroom, forever.
This was when a hurricane of emotions accumulated all my life was born inside me, and i tried to free it from inside myself, but it became so intense, my body reached its limit, making me vomit on the floor between my feet, completely spent, weak, and supidly numb in disbelief. Then the hurricane, as i called, came back inside.

The next day, or so i believe, in the afternoon, i slowly gathered 50 pills of 3 kinds, from the medication i was on at the time, and swallowed them all, one by one.
Then, i got up from my chair, and lied down on my bed, waiting.

Disappointment was all i could feel, after some time, when nothing happened.
I didn't know what to do, all i wanted was to fall asleep and don't wake up anymore, but it had failed.

The next day, i specially bought 2 big bottles of beer, and drank 1 with 30 something pills i had left, but it didn't work either.
I was at my lowest ever.
Either that night or the next, i decided to drink alcohol like crazy, to try to forget everything and everyone, so i grabbed a red wine bottle and drank it all, then a glass of whisky, 1 of gin and honey licoor or whatever that was, and a little of something else, making in the end, around 1.5 litres of alcoholic beverages without eating anything.
It was 22:00 when i went upstairs, it was just me, and the darkness of the night.
I vomited the 1st time, then drank some more, and was still crying and talking to myself drunk and miserable.
When it was around 23:00 i felt so sick i could barely stand, there was this fear inside me, and i called my mother to take me to the hospital.

Around 23:30 i was at the hospital in the emergency waiting room, i ent to the bathroom drunk once, it was difficult for me to stay awake.
When a doctor saw me in the adjacent room, i was a mess, my head and arms were on a table, i was about to lose my senses while i kept saying "i want to die, i just want to die".

A few minutes before midnight i was being carried by 2 security guards in a corridor, to a stretcher, when i vomited the last time, and lost my senses.

When i woke up, it was almost silent around me but there were lights on, i was sideways on a stretcher in that corridor, when i tried to get up and sit i noticed i had an i.v. solution going to one of my hands connected to a metal tripod stand of metal with wheels. I was there for a while, until someone talked to me.

It was still night, when a nurse called me to a small room, and injected something in one of my gluts, to deal with my alcohol poisoning or something. Later i was in a wheelchair, looking down a long while, when i felt the need to got to the bathroom, so i told a nurse, and she gave me something to go on inside, but i grabbed it and never used it, just kept that thing in my hand, until the time i got up and went to the bathroom. Then came back to a waiting room, and there was barely a hint of sunrise coming through a window.

I waited, and some people started gathering there as time went by, a girl my age that i ended up talking to a lot, a romanian man, some others i didn't talk to. While i was told to kepp waiting there, i walked back and foward around that place some times, until morning came, and i was alone sitting not talking to anyone.
When someone brought us food and drinks, i didn't accept any.
Morning was over, and lunch time came.
A long while later, i was called, and told i'd be going on an ambulance to another city, to be seen at another hospital.

It was just me in that van, with 2 firemen or some kind of nurses, it took some 45 minutes to get there, to the largest hospital in the south of this country. There were people everywhere, i went to the emergency rom there, and got another wristband from a doctor, then we went to a psychiatric hospital, where a nurse interviewed me, then told me to wait for the doctor.

This was the point where i realized, when i was in a sort of bench outside looking to the long avenue and prison across the street, that i had nothing to care about anymore, i was just there, waiting.
And this is how and where i lost the will to live.
My future, to me, died that day.
(i'll never be capable of making someone understand what happened to me)

When the doctor finally called for me, i went inside and sat on the chair again. She was having trouble with the fingerprint login in her computer. When asked me questions about what i had done to myself, and why, i told her what she needed to hear, and about the medication, then a nurse came in and asked her if i would be staying there at the hospital, the doctor said no, and prescribed me more medication after me telling her i was willing to behave and try again.

On the ride back, i was just looking out the window and to the front of the ambulance.
My mother was waiting for me at the 1st hospital. While she was taking care of something in my name, i met a former classmate, told him i had drunk a lot of alcohol and such, then got in the car and went home.

Now it was around 15:00 or more, my long journey was over, i felt nothing now, my body was weak, my face was the same sad/tired from since i woke up some 10 hours previously.
I entered my home, still talking a bit to my mother, got to my bedroom, still had 3 hospital wristbands on my wrists, put the new medication in my bedroom, sat down, and spent countless years descending deeper and deeper into the unbelievable misery i could never imagine when i told to myself, "my life couldn't possibly get worse".
But it did, and it was unbelievable to me, what happened in the following 10 years, and how much, much worse, my life got.

Back then i already believed that only what i call now "true love", would be able to save me, and make me want to live again.
I don't need to tell anyone and explain all the problems that ruined me.
This is the sum of the memories i have, to write the story of the 1st time i tried to kill myself, and when i lost the will to live, just leaving myself alone, waiting to die at home.