Another repeated nightmare with her, why? I don't need this!

Why do i have to wake up like this, feeling anxious and anguish, and i haven't even got up from the bed yet!
I've had this nightmare before, i remember it, i was somewhere public, there were computers, i find her somehow, but she has a strange name, i can't really recognize her at first, but the pain in my chest confirmsit's her.
Then i try to contact her, and i find out she had done sme things talking bad about me in the past, but it's not true!
There's someone else with her, as much as i try i can never reach her, it eats my insides, and the way she acts, it's like i'm a bad person, but for what?
For saying i needed her?
For telling her to please not abandon me?
For saying how precious she was?
What's wrong with that?
Other people lie, harass, threaten, hurt, steal, are violent, destroy lives, yet this world hell rewards them with what they want??? What a joke, life itself hates me, because absolutely everything in my life goes wrong!
And i have to suffer without end, just because all i wanted was to be with the one and only woman i could ever love in my entire life?
Why does this have to torment me almost 5 years after the fact? What the hell! If i was born to be alone and be a failure then just kill me and that's it!
To have to wake up, with such tremendous anxiety, feeling of guilt for being a failure, fear of abandonment, worthlessness, not knowing what to do next, about to cry and feel angry at the same time.
Then i come here and write this crap again, because that's what this blog is here for, the memories of a poor hopeless miserable fool who died alone.
I'm so tired of being alive, no one imagines what i have to carry inside me everywhere i go. A couple months ago i was in a public place, and was almost crying, trying to contain this. When will i finally deserve to rest? Please, i just want to disappear