Another repeated nightmare with her, why? I don't need this!

Why do i have to wake up like this, feeling anxious and anguish, and i haven't even got up from the bed yet!
I've had this nightmare before, i remember it, i was somewhere public, there were computers, i find her somehow, but she has a strange name, i can't really recognize her at first, but the pain in my chest confirmsit's her.
Then i try to contact her, and i find out she had done sme things talking bad about me in the past, but it's not true!
There's someone else with her, as much as i try i can never reach her, it eats my insides, and the way she acts, it's like i'm a bad person, but for what?
For saying i needed her?
For telling her to please not abandon me?
For saying how precious she was?
What's wrong with that?
Other people lie, harass, threaten, hurt, steal, are violent, destroy lives, yet this world hell rewards them with what they want??? What a joke, life itself hates me, because absolutely everything in my life goes wrong!
And i have to suffer without end, just because all i wanted was to be with the one and only woman i could ever love in my entire life?
Why does this have to torment me almost 5 years after the fact? What the hell! If i was born to be alone and be a failure then just kill me and that's it!
To have to wake up, with such tremendous anxiety, feeling of guilt for being a failure, fear of abandonment, worthlessness, not knowing what to do next, about to cry and feel angry at the same time.
Then i come here and write this crap again, because that's what this blog is here for, the memories of a poor hopeless miserable fool who died alone.
I'm so tired of being alive, no one imagines what i have to carry inside me everywhere i go. A couple months ago i was in a public place, and was almost crying, trying to contain this. When will i finally deserve to rest? Please, i just want to disappear

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of Abandonment

I suffer from this every day and night, it started in my childhood, became severe 4 years ago, but hit me with intense hours of mental agony and physical pain last year. I didn't even know i had P.T.S.D. as well!

 

P.T.S.D. of Abandonment

"The intense emotional crisis of abandonment can create a trauma severe enough to leave an emotional imprint on individuals’ psychobiological functioning, affecting their future choices and responses to rejection, loss, or disconnection.  Following an abandonment experience in childhood or adulthood, some people develop a sequela of post traumatic symptoms which share sufficient features with post traumatic stress disorder to be considered a subtype of this diagnostic category.

As with other types of post trauma, the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder of abandonment range from mild to severe.  PTSD of abandonment is a psychobiological condition in which earlier separation traumas interfere with current life.  An earmark of this interference is intrusive anxiety which often manifests as a pervasive feeling of insecurity – a primary source of self sabotage in our primary relationships and in achieving long range goals.  Another earmark is a tendency to compulsively reenact our abandonment scenarios through repetitive patterns, i.e., abandoholism – being attracted to the unavailable.
Another factor of abandonment post trauma is for victims to be plagued with diminished self esteem and heightened vulnerability within social contexts (including the workplace) which intensifies their need to buttress their flagging ego strength with defense mechanisms which can be automatically discharged and whose intention is to protect the narcissistically injured self from further rejection, criticism, or abandonment.  These habituated defenses are often maladaptive to their purpose in that they can create emotional tension and jeopardize our emotional connections.

Victims of abandonment trauma can also have emotional flashbacks that flood us with feelings ranging from mild anxiety to intense panic in response to triggers that we may or may not be conscious of.  Once our abandonment fear is triggered, it can lead to what Daniel Goleman calls emotional hijacking.  During an emotional hijacking, the emotional brain has taken over, leaving its victims feeling a complete loss of control over their own lives, at least momentarily.  If emotional hijacking occurs frequently enough, its chronic emotional excesses can lead to self-depreciation and isolation and give rise to secondary conditions such as chronic depression, anxiety, obsessive thinking, negative narcissism, and addiction.
Post Traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a disease of the amygdala – the emotional center of the brain responsible for initiating the Fight Flee Freeze response.  In PTSD, the amygdala is set on overdrive to keep us in a perpetual state of hyper-vigilance, action-ready to declare a state of emergency should it perceive any threat even vaguely reminiscent of the original trauma. The amygdala, acting as the brain’s warning system, is constantly working to protect (overprotect) us from any possibility of further injury.  In the post trauma related specifically to abandonment, the amygdala scans the environment for potential threats to our attachments to our sense of self.

People with PTSD of abandonment can have heightened emotional responses to abandonment triggers that are often considered insignificant by others. For instance, depending on circumstances, when we feel slighted, criticized, or excluded, it can instigate an emotional hijacking and jeopardize our personal or professional life.

Below, are some of the other issues related to post traumatic stress disorder of abandonment:
30 Characteristics of post traumatic stress disorder of abandonment
This list is meant to be descriptive, rather than exhaustive of the many issues related to the abandonment syndrome.  

1. An intense fear of abandonment that interferes in forming primary relationships in adulthood.
2. Intrusive insecurity that interferes in your social life and goal achievement.
3. Tendency toward self defeating behavior patterns that sabotage your love life, goals, or career.
4. A tendency to repeatedly subject yourself to people or experiences that lead to another loss and another trauma.
5. Intrusive reawakening of old losses; echoes of old feelings of vulnerability and fear which interfere in current experience.
6. Heightened memories of traumatic separations and other events.
7. Conversely, partial or complete memory blocks of childhood traumas.
8. Feelings of emotional detachment, i.e. feeling numb to past losses.
9. Conversely, difficulty letting go of the painful feelings of old rejections and losses.
10. Episodes of self-neglectful or self destructive behavior.
11. Difficulty withstanding (and overreacting to) the customary emotional ups and downs of adult relationships.
12. Difficulty working through the ordinary levels of conflict and disappointment within adult relationships.
13. Extreme sensitivity to perceived rejections, exclusions or criticisms.
14. Emotional pendulum swing between fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment; you alternate between ‘feeling the walls close in’ if someone gets too close and feeling on a precipice of abandonment if you are not sure of the person.
15. Difficulty feeling the affection and other physical comforts offered by a willing partner.
16. Tendency to ‘get turned off’ and ‘lose the connection’ by involuntarily shutting down romantically and/or sexually on a willing partner.
17. Conversely, tendency to feel hopelessly hooked on a partner who is emotionally distancing.
18. Tendency to have emotional hangovers ‘the morning after’ someone has triggered your abandonment feelings.
19. Difficulty naming your feelings or sorting through an emotional fog.
20. Abandophobism – a tendency to avoid close relationships altogether to avoid risk of abandonment.
21. Conversely, a tendency to rush into relationships and clamp on too quickly.
22. Difficulty letting go because you have attached with emotional epoxy, even when you know your partner is no longer able to fulfill your needs.
23. An excessive need for control, whether it’s about the need to control others’ behavior and thoughts, or about being excessively self-controlled; a need to have everything perfect and done your way.
24. Conversely, a tendency to create chaos by avoiding responsibility, procrastinating, giving up control to others, and feeling out of control.
25. Tendency to have unrealistic expectations and heightened reactivity toward others such that it creates conflict and burns bridges to your social connections.
26. People-pleasing – excessive need for acceptance or approval.
27. Co-dependency issues in which you give too much of yourself to others and feel you don’t get enough back.
28. Tendency to act impulsively without being able to put the brakes on, even when you are aware of the negative consequences.
29. Tendency toward unpredictable outbursts of anger.
30. Conversely, tendency to under-react to anger out of fear of breaking the connection and your extreme aversion to ‘not being liked’."

Today’s Trauma

During the initial stage of abandonment called shattering, the word trauma is used frequently.  In fact, feeling abandoned by one’s primary love object is in and of itself a trauma, not post trauma.  It is a legitimate initial trauma.

When faced with an abandonment crisis, whether it is the result of a recent breakup or an accumulation of abandonment wounds stemming from cyclical past losses and heartbreaks, or whether it stems from loss of a job, loss of a friend, or loss of one’s home or health, people describe feeling the rug pulled out from beneath them and shattering their dreams as traumatic.

In the throes of abandonment trauma, we experience many of the same symptoms as victims of other types of trauma such as rape or physical attack. A difference is that abandonment is not always recognized as a legitimate form of trauma, yet the shock, numbing, disorientation, outbursts of anger, sleep and appetite disturbance, agitation, increased risk-taking, etc. are all symptoms of trauma.  Another difference is that abandonment is not a single event like a train crash, but a sustained type of trauma whose stress builds momentum as we grapple with the ongoing rigors of the abandonment grief process.

What goes into making abandonment a traumatizing event?

The emotional volcano of abandonment unleashes a torrent of primal emotions that overwhelm us.  Molten lava spews from the rock bottom of our emotional core ripping up through our freshly opened abandonment wound.  No wonder the event is traumatizing!  Technically speaking, being rejected by one’s love object triggers primal abandonment fear – the fear of being left by one’s source of vital sustenance.

Abandonment, our first fear, is in response to being expelled from our mother’s womb.  This sensation is stored in the amygdala – the site of emotional memory responsible for conditioning the brain’s fight/freeze/flight response.  The emotional memory is intact enough at or before birth to lay down traces of the feelings and sensations of birth trauma as well as some prenatal antecedents. These primitive feelings can be reawakened by later events, especially those reminiscent of unwanted or abrupt separations from our attachments.

In adult abandonment, these primitive sensations become activated, creating terror and panic.  As the old infantile urgencies emerge into the current crisis, it precipitates a symbiotic regression in which we feel unable to survive without our loved one.  We become suffused with the intense stress of helplessness, especially as we try to compel our loved one to return but remain unsuccessful in doing so. This failure to compel can cause us to judge ourselves as having experiencing this ‘limited capacity’ is sufficiently traumatic to produce a fault line in the psyche which renders us more vulnerable to break down emotionally when faced with problems in our relationships.

Another trauma-inducing factor is the stress of losing our background object. A background object is someone on whom we have come to rely for myriad needs that we take for granted, such as the need to belong.  We don’t realize how important our background object is to our sense of security until the object is gone.  Unbeknownst to us, the relationship served as a mutual regulatory system, not only emotionally, but physically.  As members of a couple, we became external regulators for one another. Multiple psychobiological systems helped to maintain each other’s equilibrium. We were attuned on many levels: our pupils dilated in synchrony, we echoed one another’s speech patterns, movements, and even cardiac and EEG rhythms.

As the emotional and bio-physiological effects mount, the stressful process is heightened by the knowledge that it was not we, but our partner who chose withdraw from the bond, leaving us to suffer intense emotional responses that are easy to misinterpret as evidence of being weak and lacking attachment-worthiness.

Signs of Abandonment’s Current Traumatic Stress    

When individuals are in the shattering phase of abandonment trauma, it is within normal range for them to have the following responses: shock and disorientation, depersonalization, de-realization, emotional collapse and despair, collapse of self confidence, panic, symbiotic regression, disordered sleep, separation anxiety especially upon awakening, dysregulation/disorganization, reality distortion, self neglectful behaviors, increased use of substances, spurts of explosive rage, withdrawal, fatigue, agitation, and suicidal ideations.
As the trauma cycle progresses, individuals go on to feel depressed, agitated, and emotionally labile. They experience intense yearning for the lost object, diminished self esteem, pervasive separation anxiety, obsessive thoughts about the circumstances of the breakup and the possibilities for reuniting, feelings of neediness, desperation, and overreliance on others alternating with periods of self isolation."

How someone lies, uses, and abandons you, without even saying goodbye

Nozomi Varekova will always be remembered as a Liar and a Traitor

"What i want transcends this world, and i don't know how to do it"
"The thought of being separated, not knowing if we will be together after death"
"It scares me more than anything else, i wish you to understand why"
"I can never have enough of you, press your body against mine"
"Put your arms around me and don't let go, i want to be as close to you as possible"
"As if we could merge our souls, and feel as one"
"Pleasure is not what i want, this desire is of my heart"
"Belonging together, after a life time of waiting"
"This feels right, i don't want to do anything without you"
"We can breath the same air, share the same food"
"Keep each other warm, peaceful understanding"
"United without shame, in equality and acceptance"
"To stay like this every day and night, and go beyond human limits"
"In an endless embrace, my dream made real"
"You are the other me, all i want is to be with you"

nozomi varekova

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Around 3 years before her, after i failed suicide, and after losing my will to live while waiting in that hospital for so long, i had promised to myself i would never again cry, and i would never like another girl, but when i found her, i had no choice, she was the one.

Do you understand that incredible feeling, of finding that one person who is everything you ever wanted ?
When you just want to be with her, be close to her, and make her feel good, take care of her, be nice to her, get to know her, take your time with her, and most of all, be desired by her?
That one person that makes you feel like life together with her, would be so "good", you can't even imagine how much it would help you ?
I would have done whatever i could to be with her, if i ever had the chance, but not without her help and reciprocity.

I was living in intense suffering, no one needed her more than i did, she said she was going back to her home country, and that she wasn't ignoring me, but, she disappeared without a word.
When i needed her the most, she left my life, and i will never recover from that pain.
She doesn't need to suffer because of my problems, she has her own life, it's probably best for her that she never even remembers i still exist and live in much worse pain now.
Wherever she is, may she be safe and healthy, and living a trully better life. I don't want her to suffer because of me (or anyone else), even if i desperately think i need her.

She was the only person who cared about me, and when she disappeared from my life, she left a void in my chest, that i cannot fill, because i need closure, but i never wanted to lose her, and it torments me every single day, with a torrent of feelings and memories and pain, that gets really bad sometimes.

I was already severely hurt from my horrible life, but it got worse, now i am, completely alone beyond comprehension.
(and it's all my fault somehow, because i can't handle life anymore)

I was left with a severe case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of Abandonment.

Never will i understand why i give care and atention and affection, and in return i am ignored and rejected and abandoned! What did i do wrong my whole life?

The way you left hurt me too much, i don't know what happened to you. It hurts that you didn't make an effort to keep me in your life. It hurts to be without you Nozomi, somehow... it hurts every day when i remember you without even asking for it. After being alone my whole life, when i found you, i didn't deserve you! Just by liking you, even made you feel uncomfortable and "pushed" you away? I don't understand it! I am alone all the time, i don't touch anyone, don't hurt anyone, i care like no one else, yet, i'm not even "allowed" to like someone?

I get these "traumatic episodes", sometimes it's nightmares before i wake up, where the bad memories all comes back to hurt me, the pain can last a few minutes or 5 hours, i can't make it stop until i fall asleep, or wake up and it's morning.
In these "traumatic episodes", there is a pain in my chest, and my heart feels like it's being squeezed, i have mixed feelings, and she stays in my mind for hours, it's too complex to attempt to describe, and i wish i could just forget everything and everyone, get out of this body, leave this place, and never come back! :-(
In the nightmares, she is there, but ignores everything i do, i try to talk to her but i never can, i try to contact her but it always fails, she is never in the same place i am, or if she is, she ignores me like i'm not even there or have no value, and i feel anxiety all the time, and mental agony, for as long as it lasts, and i get so sad and depressed, i wake up emotionally drained, or even wanting to cry!

I have to write that she is not hurting me, she is not to blame for my daily suffering, it's not her fault, she doesn't even know about it, she is doing nothing to me, it's my fault, i deserve all this suffering, somehow, who knows why! 
(i wonder why, because i never grew up wanting to suffer! who does?)

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, i am severely affected by Clinical Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, then come the Emotional or Psychological Trauma that keep coming back to hurt me, a childhood trauma i can't name accurately but affected me until i was 11 or 12, a sexual abuse/organ related trauma, an abandonment trauma, a minor body malformation trauma, a violence/suffering trauma, and a loneliness trauma(which is the worst of them all), then i hurt myself in different ways like starving, punching myself, lifting weights until i want to cry or start a panic attack, neglecting hygiene or cleanliness, letting myself be hurt by cold until my bones hurt or hot temperatures and going insane and restless, for hours, or just let it happen if it's inside the body, like intestinal pain or chest pain, uncomfort, bleeding, numbness, because i feel that if i don't deserve to have a girlfriend or a job or a social life or be "happy"(whatever that means!), then i only deserve to get hurt, be alone all day, feel like scum, and live in misery!

The mind became my "comfort zone" after being traumatized ever since i was a child, and to me, the mind is where she lived, since i could not be with her.
It is mind-boggling why she still "comes back" to me every day, if i have almost nothing of her left to remember.
I guess i felt she was an "escape" from this horrible life i have, these people who attack me just because i'm different, and this place where i can't rest properly or feel comfortable, and she felt the same way where she was, and i could relate to her in that aspect too.
I'm at a stage in my life where i can't help myself out of this misery i live in, i could not take care of her if i had the chance, i needed her help, she was in fact the only person "in my life", yet i never even had a real chance with her, it was an almost impossible friendship for reasons of distance and for the fact the she had a social life and i didn't, then why, why does she still has a profound emotional impact on me, if not because she was the one and only woman i ever desired to "love" and be "loved" by?

All the bad conditions were there, and i developed the worst emotional trauma of my entire life, and i can't stop hurting myself because i hate how cruel life is, and i hate myself for being born into a miserable life.
(whatever i do, life always slaps me in the face and tells me i deserve a life of loneliness and suffering. some people are born to experience extreme pain and sorrow, then they die, i've seen countless people like that around the world, i'm one of them)

I still don't understand how can a person forget another one, like he/she has no value at all.
To disappear from someone's life from one day to the other, without warning, without even saying goodbye.
When you know how much you were needed in another person's life.
All that was spoken, written, felt, loses it's value, and seems like reality tells you it was always one sided.
Even after 1 year and 7 months, i feel a pain in my chest, in days like these!
I searched for her however i could, many times, and even got angry because she was gone, but it was all for nothing...
I never even got to tell her how proud i was of her, for having turned into such a fine young woman, after all the difficulties she had in her life.
All that time, and never for one single day, have i not remembered her.

How is being available, trying to be nice, giving attention, caring, wanting to help, wanting to comfort, desire to be with one, and only one person, give me in return so much suffering?
Other people get together, have fun, talk, touch each other, kiss, hug, become a couple, and develop a relationship. How do they do that?! I don't understand!!!
But if i try, oh, i do care, i do demonstrate interest, i do like her, i want to be with her, i try to help, i make her feel better, and i dedicate myself to her everyday, and what do i get?
I start to be ignored, suddenly my words lose value, she has no interest in me anymore, creates a distance between us, and ends up abandoning me and forgetting i exist, like nothing ever happened, like "my time is over", i "have no use anymore", and then she's gone., and i suffer for day and night, like a miserable abandoned dog prisoner at home!
Why? I don't understand! How can she like someone else, but not me! Not me! How can she be with someone else then? Does it make any sense, to be with a person who "loves her less"?? But i don't even have a chance? I only deserve to be alone and in pain, cold and traumatized? Why?!! Seriously, why? Why is suicidal misery everything i deserve in life?
I don't know how to deal with it, it hurts so, but so much, my brain feels "damaged", and i isolate myself and hurt myself to try to control the suffering!

When she disappeared, i was restless for weeks, lost weight, stopped brushing my teeth everyday, searched for her on the internet many times, checked my email every day from morning to night, i couldn't sleep well anymore, i stayed awake for hours thinking about her, nothing made me feel better, i didn't enjoy anything, i didn't care about anyone else, i let my bedroom become dirty with dust and small bugs and mold and humidity for 1 year and i was sick from it because i was completely desolate and i would not clean anything, i was already in a terrible situation, and it became miserable ever since. I am miserable now. Death can come at any moment, i don't care, i've got no one and nothing left. How could i become so deluded about her, how deeply traumatized/unaware of reality i was, is beyond my understanding/acceptance.

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She used to run by the Arakawa river, i showed her a video that someone recorder doing the exact same route, but then she told me it was on the other side the she ran, which could be seen at some point in the video. I searched for that video on purpose for her to view and remember that place n her hometown again, on purpose. Too bad i can't be there with her, or wherever she is now, it's like she died, because ever since she disappeared, i've been mourning restless. Her grandmother lived 5 minutes from Kawaguchi station with her dogs, i wonder if she returned there.
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Only now i discovered what her name means in japanese, Nozomi/desire/wish/want,(it's also a "bullet train"), which i understand now as Life being cruel to me, because i felt desire/wish/want to live again when she came into my life, but after she disappeared, so did my last flicker of desire/wish/want to be in this world, was gone! I detest doing things on purpose, so i avoid them, and i never search for her name, but it finds its way to me. My life is exactly the negative of what her name means! My brain feels heavy and hurts every day now. All of this, it hurts me to no end...
Do you get it? It's a joke! Her name was like a wicked pun from Life to me! A horrible joke, it's the last delusion!! It means that after living all these years, whatever i desire/wish/want, i will always end up alone/hopeless/never having, which is absolutely true, and always was!!! And in fact, i lost everything she represented to me, or worse, i never even had it! It's Life saying "I Hate You, you were born to learn the harsh lesson, and Die Alone!", and i don't even understand "why?"... is this all i deserve.
(yet Nozomi did not know and will never know any of this, none of it is her fault, i suppose this was me trying to explain something to myself, but i failed, because i hate myself so much for not ever deserving anything or anyone i ever wanted in life, that i can say for sure, the only "good" day i'll ever have, will be the day i die!)
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I thought we understood each other. She was hurt so much, in a different way than me, and it must have been so bad, so much suffering caused to her, i wanted to take her in my arms and make all the pain and horrible memories go away, and i needed her to do the same for me, and together, we would start a better life, that would last until the end of our days...
Absurd, isn't it? When did i got lost between the mind and the world?

In the beginning she was adorable! I wanted more and more time with her, atention from her, she was interesting to me, i never had someone like her in my life.
I could not wish for a more lovable woman, there was something about her that made me feel unconditionally attracted to her, i just wanted to be with her, just me and her, together. 

The best moments i had during day or night were when she gave me attention, or cared about me.
For her to give some of her time to me, made me feel like my life really was getting better, little by little.
If we had had a nice day, i would sleep well, if we had no contact, or worse, any problem, i would suffer all night before falling asleep.

One night she said she was having trouble sleeping soundly, and she contacted me, at that time i felt like i was on her mind, and she remembered me. Me ! :-)
I felt appreciated, like she would be with me in that moment if she could.
I comforted her as best as i could, certainly told her i wanted to be with her and give her a hug, and make the bad things go away.
But she wasn't used to compliments, and neither was i.
On an occasion we got a little angry at each other, but it was my fault, because i really needed her more in my life, but she had her own life and things to do.

Once i wrote her in a phrase that "i needed her", and she replied "why i needed her" and that "she didn't need anyone".
Why do i need to justify why i need a woman? Why i need affection, care, company?
Other people start a relationship, or get married, so why do they do it?
Why do they need to be with someone every day?
Why don't they just stay alone their whole lives, like i was pressured and forced to be against my will?
I think it's understandable why.
It's easy for someone to say they don't need anyone, when they haven't spend 95% of 6 years(at the time) in extreme loneliness, because almost everything they do to improve their lives ends in failure!
How do other people get together, and stay together? It's so easy for them. What do they have that i don't?
I could never even enter someone's life, why? I never even had a real chance!
It's like i've been watching other people live their lives, while i... i was denied everything that would make me, "happy"!

She told me things about her past, that made me feel hurt for her, and i never asked for her to remember bad things.
I had never met a girl like her, she was, interesting to me, and there was so much i never had the chance to talk to her and know about her.
Some moments were like the best feelings i can remember.
Other moments and words i remember, but it still hurts inside me, for she is gone from my life, but never from my heart.

I never had any happiness in my life. I don't even know how it feels like!
I did not want to be separated from her, and there was no other person i could possible want to be with.
I was not searching for anyone anymore, but i found her, and since then it never changed, it's too bad for me she had difficulty in accepting how i felt for her, and that i was "living an illusion"!
But that "illusion" was the best thing i had in my whole life, that i can remember.

She comes to my mind right after i wake up, or anytime during the day.
I've seen her in my dreams, sometimes, that i can remember, but she always looked different, and she was always smiling! It's strange to me, because i only remember seeing her smile once.
About those dreams, once she was with a female friend, and she was wearing glasses, they were looking at something i can't remember, and they were talking to each other. It looked like they were having fun.
In another dream, she looked different, her hair was shorter, she was just, there! She looked prettier than i've ever seen her.
Some dreams and other things i can't seem to remember anymore...

I am stupid for writing these things, or even feeling them, but i never had much hope in my life anyway.
For me to write such absurdities or inappropriated things such as contained in this blog, that's how completely alone i am !

She had a bunny doll in her bed, i think... i don't really remember by now... why would i even remember something that is not even important? I don't know.

I have remembered her every day without failing one, ever since i found her in January 2013, she is the only person i never forget,(i really don't understand why "life" makes it feel so intense if i'll never be with her) , and i say it out loud many times, how i wish she is safe and healthy, living a better life, being "loved" by her family and any true friends she might have, taking good care of herself, sleep soundly, and have pleasant dreams.

Such was the emotional impact she had on me, when i was already so needy for someone who could understand me, and i could connect with, but i was hurt and traumatized too.
Sadly, i understand better now that she didn't like me, as much as i liked her, she shared personal things from her life with me and i thought i had finally found a person i could be friends with, and be accepted by, because, i have no friends, no one cares about me, but she did, she remembered me, even if i tried as much as i could to have some time with her but she was busy, but even despite all the difficulties and problems, i never gave up on her.
I only needed her, but somehow, i'm not even allowed to like someone, life itself takes everything i want from me, even if i pour daily dedication into it, i always end up worse than i was before, it's unbelievable how cold and hollow my body feels when the extreme loneliness and sorrow takes over.
None of the time i dedicated to her was wasted, and i have no regrets, because i did what i could to be her friend, even if i could not control my heart, but it was never enough for her to feel the same way for me.
I barely ever received anything "good" from anyone, if someone says nice things to me, or even touches me, i don't know how to accept it, so i usually reject it, because i am very specific, i know what i want, and the feeling i had with her was once in a life time, i actually would let her help me and change me for the better, only if we could be together...
Barely anyone ever did something nice for me, so i prefer to give, and i gave her as much as she could accept.

Why am i refused, and someone else is accepted?
What makes me so different from other people who "deserve" to have what i never had?
I don't understand people, they all seem to make me suffer in one way or another.
Maybe i became so unbelievably hurt, and so aware of suffering, i can't ignore it anymore.

The cycle of suffering i live in, that i can't find the way out of it, does not let me forget things, and i would not forget what or who affected me so much, anyway.
Seems like (she) the target of my desire was impossible to me.
I gave her too much value, (still do, apparently) and i'm too stupid and/or needy to understand what i did wrong, but i never had the intention to hurt her, i'm always alone, i don't hurt anyone, i'm even traumatized by suffering.
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I remember talking to her about "Lost in Translation", and she telling me it reminded her of the hotels she'd stayed at. It's one of those things i can't be exposed to anymore without crying so much i have to swallow the pain, literally swallow until it stops. How many of these could i still write? She wouldn't be able to read all this, even i have to look away. But you know why i wrote all this... you know. Also because i'm and idiot who doesn't grasp reality.
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I know very well how limited i am, and that to mostly everyone, i am ugly, poor, anti-social, depressed, sick, solitary, different, deformed, stranger, worthless.
But i have so much more inside me, than what people see from the outside, without even knowing who i am.
Why do people who are liars, thieves, killers, abusers, offensive, insulting, agressive, selfish, and violent, deserve to have someone, or even many "relationships", but i never deserved one, not even one!
And i did try, and suffered for years of my life, all for nothing?

How i missed the rain...

Everyone always treated me like i'm less than others, or "just a friend", and when they got bored i would be ignored, and forgotten, like i don't even have any value, i've been used and thrown away!
If i never had talked to anyone, no one would ever have had interest in me, and when i stop, everyone acts like i don't even exist...
It's so easy for everyone to forget i exist, it's not them who stay alone in a dark and cold place where no one wants to be, trying to contain all the pain and tears and suicidal thoughts, for hours, while other people are outside where it's bright and warm, having fun and kissing and touching each other and playing around and doing stupid stuff.
While others want to be happy and all that pleasure and joy, whatever all that means and feels like, i spend hours every day just struggling to keep my tears and pain and loneliness under control, so that i don't try to kill myself again...
Where is my rest in peace for so many years of increasing suffering i never asked for, but had to endure?

I haven't received physical comfort ever since i was a child, can you imagine, to grow up, and grow older, without ever being comforted physically?
Can you imagine how hurt i am, over hundreds of times and thousands of hours?
And i tried, so hard, during most of my life until now, to give so much emotional comfort, to very rare people, like i never received from anyone, yet, i was never even allowed to like someone?!
Everything i ever gave to someone else that i can remember, was all that no one ever gave to me!
I just wanted some of that in return, my body is crying for affection, like an abandoned child!!
But  no one ever wanted to kiss me, or hug me, or just be with me for comfort.
No one ever made me feel joy in being alive!
Not one person ever wanted to really help me feel better, or change into a better person.
No one ever wanted to make me happy!

I am so tired that not even sleep makes me feel well rested... suicide is in my mind everyday, but i can't "finish the job", because i'm so destroyed inside, so numb, so i let myself die slowly at home, and i'm not comfortable even here, in this coffin, but i feel lost when i go out too, i don't belong anywhere, what can i do, where should i go, with who, why?
I never recovered from trying to kill myself and failing.
Since i don't deserve to have a social human life, when can i finally rest in peace?
Life makes no sense to me anymore...
If i had one, just one person who trully cared about me, every day, like my soul mate, the woman of my life, i would definitely get better, so much better.
Was it asking too much, to have one, just one woman, in my whole life?!
With help from her, i would heal my body, take better care of myself, heal my mind, feel better, be capable of doing everything i need, i would never again feel completely alone, it would be better than a dream!

Being ignored, abandoned, insulted, laughed at, forgotten, are not things i can ever forget.
How is it possible that i had nothing but failure and rejection in my life?
How can i ever get better, if all i get is more pain and suffering?
It's not like i need someone to survive, but... i do not live, i survive, i am miserable now, i can't stop feeling hurt for hours and hours, from the moment i wake up, untill i eventually fall asleep, i will always feel the need to have what i never had:

I never had someone in my life anyway, only illusions!
To me, the last person i trully cared about, and had an emotional connection with, which i never had the proper chance to fully explain to her, but will be remembered untill i die, will remain the last, for everything would have been for nothing, if i were even capable of caring about another person in the same way, which i can't and won't, even if it helps killing me faster, the last will remain the last, even if it lives in my traumatized mind only, and i have to re-live it every day and night, without asking for it, untill my time comes to finally go away from this world of suffering.
I just wanted her to feel loved, like i never was...
She told me no one had ever said such good things to her, like i did, yet she rejected my feelings.

I've had problems with falling asleep for years. Food doesn't taste the same.
I'm hanging on by the basic necessities, incapable of helping myself.
How much worse my life got, compared to years ago! It makes no difference to anyone if i live or die.
Sadness consumes me from day to night. I can't stand being alive !
From time to time, everything starts coming back, all the suffering and loneliness and failure, it hits me so hard, my body fills up with pain, and i go crazy.
Sometimes i can only rest when the Sun comes up. I just want to tear myself to shreds and scream !

Never do i have a "good" day, i always have to wait for everything, and i'm always, always, always, always, always alone !!!

I need to move out of this house, and remove this "family" from my life, even if it means i kill myself.
It's unbearable to live in bad conditions and everyday problems.
Being ignored, devalued, threatened, insulted, disrespected, and hated by the people around me, is torture !
I avoid people as much as i can, because i don't want people who want me to suffer in my life.

She made it look like she had no friends, no boyfriend, people hated or ignored her, she felt hurt every day, that she needed help, and she was alone, like she was in a situation similar to mine, but that was not true, she had a life, it's almost as if what she told me changed, after she felt i trully liked her and cared for her, she lied to me! I thought she needed me, like i needed her, she was the only person in my life. How could she abandon me without a word?

Can't stand being alive anymore, can you understand what i'm saying?
Have you any idea how many thousands of hours of traumatic suffering i've been through to become like this, miserable and isolated?
Having to contain myself all the time, pretending i can handle life, when in reality i can't take it anymore!

Once she asked me something like "if it was true that i was never happy", like she could not believe what i told her, but yes, it was true, i never lied to her! I don't even really know what "happiness" is, that's why i use quotation marks in the words i don't really understand, like "happiness", or "love", or "good".

Even when i got angry at her because she wasn't available every day like before, after being needy because without her attention i was completely alone, my heart literally aching for her, but not being able to be with her, or explain why i had such intense feelings and care for her, i started an argument, and i told her if was hurting her because of my feelings for her then "forget i exist", but even after that and other bad moments, she never left, she never abandoned me!

I thought she was different from other women, but even when she still cared about me and said she wasn't ignoring me like i thought she was, she simply, disappeared without a word! And ever since, i don't know what happened to her, and she never sent me an email, to let me know she is alive and well.

She is most likely living a busy and "happy" life in the city she was born in, with her grandmother and her 2 dogs, like she told me she wanted to go back to her country of origin, and i'm her alone suffering because she discarded me like i was an object she used and didn't need anymore, the selfish cunt.

I never expected her to do to me what others did to her. I felt so shocked and disappointed, it was unbearable!

It's like she died and i know nothing about it. She never even cared to make any contact with me, it's unbelievable to me, how could she abandon me and go live her life, leaving me waiting for her?
I can't believe it!!! I'm still in shock! It hurts so much, i can't even be around people anymore... i just want to be alone.

I have been restless ever since, the pain, every day pain, is just too much, it hurts, i can't sleep well, i can't stop remembering her, my chest hurts, like i'm just a burden to everyone, like i don't even deserve to be alive, i feel completely abandoned to die alone...
All women turn into selfish lying traitors, the moment they don't need you anymore.

I want you, Nozomi Varekova, to suffer exactly the same you made me suffer, you cannot use me when you need and forget i exist the next month, i want justice!