"True Love" DOES NOT EXIST

For more than half of my Life, i had a dream, as a wrote in this blog long ago, i called that dream, True Love! That dream started when i was very young when i would try, but could never connect with anyone. This feeling that some day i'd live it for myself like the adults, and know what it is to have someone just for me, we'd be happy and live together and belong to each other and finally know what it feels like to not be alone, started to grow inside me, we would be together every day, eat together, walk together, help each other, take care of each other, be always truthful, and live a romance i can't even imagine! Over the years it developed and increased in intensity. I wanted to be truly loved, married at age 23, and have 3 babies. I wanted to have a baby girl who looked like her mother so much, and give her everything good i never had. Children are the nicest people in the world, absolutely lovely and adorable.
I never had interest in pleasure or fun, it never made sense to me, i was only searching for one person, the one and only, and i kept it to myself, because other people would not understand me and hurt me even more.
Many years after, i found myself alone at home having failed at everything, without social life, a job, friends, finding "her", money, good health, joy, a car, any interest in normal life, all i still wanted was to be truly loved. More time went by, everything about my existence became horrible and painful, so much that one day i realized my life was nothing more than being alone in my bedroom, and then i decided to kill myself. After failing i went insane, drank lots of alcohol and passed out at the hospital crying and saying i wanted to die. That next day was when i lost the will to live. For the next years, there was only the desire to just disappear from this world and never come back, i was simply letting myself die alone at home. And one day, she entered my life. To put it simple, traumatic feelings triggered by the suffering and pain she shared with me, and my own, made me both want to comfort her and be comforted by her, i identified with her, became attached to her, and thus created my emotional bond and she awakened my dream as the physical representation of it, without me realizing, it was out of control. This may be hard to believe, but, it felt as if... i had found my Soulmate! The one and only woman i had waited for my entire Life! The ideal person for me. "True Love"
I don't know if there's any connection between Souls that transcends the physical, or if it's even possible to be united in such a way, and continue beyond death, all i know is what i felt. She somehow caused the strongest impression on me. "I have to do everything to keep her in my Life." She struck me like lightning to my heart, my brain was fueled by her. She was the only person who cared about me, and had interest in my life, my only friend. Also appearances aren't really important, but to me, she was gorgeous! It was like i had never seen a woman in my entire Life. Everything about her fascinated me, i couldn't have enough of her. It felt like she was like me somehow, and we emotionally fit like 2 pieces of a 2 piece puzzle. I trusted her. She was my friend as much as possible and i hers. She was the only person who made me feel better. There was no one else but her in my mind. She made me want to live again. I felt like i had finally found the person i was looking for, and we were meant to be together.

But, my life was ruined from before, and we couldn't even be together because of the distance. I wasn't fully aware of reality because i was in a very bad mental state. All of this is too much, i know, i am ridiculous, sick, worthless, traumatized, hopeless, insane, that's me, and i don't care, because if this had no value, then nothing i've ever done in my life had any value!
I do not understand why she was so precious to me, why would she be? Why do i still remember her everyday, when she is so far away, living her Life, and does not even remember i exist! Why then? I mean nothing to her, so why?
After she was gone without warning, life for me became unbearable, i spent 2 months crying myself to sleep, feeling lost like an abandoned child, anxious, living in disbelief, psychologically disturbed. I searched for her so damn much i couldn't eat or rest, months later i tried to forget her, to no avail. Then i became very ill to a whole new level, lost interest in everything, tried to kill myself again, and isolated myself from everyone, did horrible things to myself, and spent 3 years day and night alone at home wanting to die everyday, numb, silent, a grief-stricken walking dead despised by everyone and hated by my own mother.
I never got better, could never recover, it goes way back before her, so she's not to blame for anything, really, i am! I just feel less miserable after my stay at the hospital, since i started going out everyday and doing what i can manage for myself.
My heart desires no one else, even after more than 3 years! If it was possible and she truly wanted to be with me, together everyday, even if she had severe health problems, no money, no family, no home, it would make no difference, i would accept her. All i wanted was to be with her, unite and warm each other's bodies, share the same desire, breathe the same air, eat the same food, feel her body on top of mine, be touched, kissed, caressed, become one with her, live for each other, i would always take care of her, as long as she was mine and only mine i would be hers as well. I know how silly all of this looks, but this is me, being a hopeless romantic deluded stupid fool who's always been alone, who has nothing but 4 walls around him and pain inside his body and torment in his head, that don't go away...

Later, when i found out the meaning of her name and how it related to my Life, i realized what i had lost completely was not just her, but what she represented! I couldn't think about anything else anymore, having to sleep from exhaustion after crying, agony took over my life, and this continued for time immemorial. I just wanted to be loved by one person once in my Life, instead, i ended up being absolutely alone, it's not fair! Somehow i am hopelessly lovesick and severely traumatized at the same time, i can't feel any joy or happiness(whatever that is), i don't smile or have fun, i don't touch or talk to anyone unless i really have to, i can't think clearly or sleep well anymore.
I can't believe she didn't even care to say goodbye to me, it hurts me to no end! Just proves how worthless i am, everyone can just abandon me to go be "happy" somewhere else with someone else, i never had a chance. If my "True Love" is worthless then i just want death to take me! So, what have i been doing all these years? I've been alone at home. Why? I can't really explain it, but i failed at everything, then extreme loneliness pulled me in and consumed me, i simply lost the will to live when i realized what my Life had become, tried to end myself, and never felt it again. Being alone is all i know and remember, yet i never asked for it. I don't belong anywhere.
I have not, and will not ever care about anyone anymore. When an important person disappears from our lives, no one else can take their place, there are no substitutes. There's nothing worth living for, i can only hate being forced to stay alive, it's pure torture, i haven't received the slightest amount of affection from anyone, i basically grew up cold and untouched. I make a tremendous effort to stay alive, and get no reward for it whatsoever, nothing good ever happened to me! No one understands how i feel, since August 2006 i spent at least 95% of the time awake completely alone, i went through such misery that ruined me for Life. It's amazing how i can go out everyday now and have 2 occupations, when i only used to have a few hours of social interaction a month! Nothing makes sense to me anymore, i want to disappear. Maybe i should be ashamed for writing all of this, yet i'm not, because it's all true, and i don't have 1 person to talk to anyway, so that's what this blog is here for, because i couldn't bear to keep all these feelings and thoughts inside me anymore. I've been, am, and will be, alone, at home, and endure through misery and pain and loneliness and anguish, until i perish, for there's no reason to live for anymore. And that's why i'm so different from everyone else. Without her, my desire is to die alone. There's nothing else i want from this world...


To me, Life without True Love, is meaningless! 


Farewell, my dream that never was.

Nozomi   Luís

In the end, my dream was nothing more, than a childish delusion...

Memories of Innocence

Yesterday i found an old photo album, that i didn't even know existed, i thought i had removed all my photos of childhood from where they were and destroyed them all, and that there were none left now, because i don't want any photos of myself left in this house, and i almost can't stand looking at them, but it turns out i missed 6.
But i can't really say i identify with the person in the photos, i don't feel that hurt by looking at these ones, but it feels very distant, like it's another person, and i don't even remember the dog's name.
I don't really remember that typical sunny day, and the quality of the photos is bad, but i thought they would be useful to represent a time in my life when i was still in the age of innocence, as a small child, i was only 5 years young or so.
Memories bring me much sorrow and disappointment.
These photos are now destroyed.

Blue

Arabic: الأزرق

Bulgarian: Син

Catalan: Blau

Chinese (traditional): 藍色

Czech: Modrá

Danish: Blå

Dutch: Blauw

English: Blue

Estonian: Sinine

Finnish: Sininen

French: Bleu

German: Blau

Greek: Μπλε

Haitian Creole: Blè

Hebrew: כחול

Hindi: ब्लू

Hmong Daw: Xia

Hungarian: Kék

Indonesian: Biru

Italian: Blu

Japanese: ブルー

Korean: 블루

Latvian: Zila

Lithuanian: Mėlyna

Malay: Biru

Maltese: Blu

Norwegian: Blå

Persian: آبی

Polish: Niebieski

Portuguese: Azul

Romanian: Albastru

Russian: Синий

Slovak: Modrá

Slovenian: Modra

Spanish: Azul

Swedish: Blå

Thai: บลู

Turkish: Mavi

Ukrainian: Синій

Urdu: بلیو

Vietnamese: Màu xanh

Welsh: Glas

Guitar Music Presentation - 4 (end)

Jason Becker playing Bach Solo and a little piece of "Air", featured in "The Legendary Guitar of Jason Becker" DVD.

Jason Becker's masterpiece "Air", from his solo album Perpetual Burn... enjoy!

Serrana, from Jason Becker's "Perspective" album

All rights go to Shrapnel Records

 The amazing Jason Becker playing Grilled Peeps or Fast Country Thing at a clinic.

Jason Becker playing Mozart Symphony in G, featured in "The Legendary Guitar of Jason Becker" DVD.

Jason Becker plays parts of the song Drop in the Bucket, one of the songs he wrote for David Lee Roth. He also improvises a lot. Completely played with a clean sound.

"Great Quotes about the Insanity of Society and the Sanity of the Dissident"

"Most people assume that the majority is right, that society is normal and sane, and that the misfit, dissident, loner or nonconformist is abnormal and possibly mentally ill. That’s what they are programmed and conditioned to believe. It is a classic “cattle control” method of getting the herd to keep itself in line. However, many great thinkers, intellectuals and writers throughout history have said the opposite. See these great quotes from them below."

“The object in life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.” - Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Jiddu Krishnamurti

"The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the Truth." - H. L. Mencken

“Even if you are a minority of one, the Truth is the Truth.” - Gandhi

"Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule." - Friederich Nietzsche

"Insanity - a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world." - R. D. Lang

"Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools, and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion." - Thornton Wilder

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Friederich Nietzsche

"Men have been taught that it is a virtue to agree with others. But the creator is the man who disagrees. Men have been taught that it is a virtue to swim with the current. But the creator is the man who goes against the current. Men have been taught that it is a virtue to stand together. But the creator is the man who stands alone." - Ayn Rand

"The sick individual finds himself at home with all other similarly sick individuals. The whole culture is geared to this kind of pathology. The result is that the average individual does not experience the separateness and isolation the fully schizophrenic person feels. He feels at ease among those who suffer from the same deformation; in fact, it is the fully sane person who feels isolated in the insane society - and he may suffer so much from the incapacity to communicate that it is he who may become psychotic." - Eric Fromm, Swiss Psychologist (The Anatomy of Human Destructiveness)

The Parable of the Poisoned Well:

“There was once a wise king who ruled over a vast city. He was feared for his might and loved for his wisdom. Now in the heart of the city, there was a well whose waters were pure and crystalline from which the king and all the inhabitants drank. When all were asleep, an enemy entered the city and poured seven drops of a strange liquid into the well. And he said that henceforth all who drink this water shall become mad.

All the people drank of the water, but not the king. And the people began to say, "The king is mad and has lost his reason. Look how strangely he behaves. We cannot be ruled by a madman, so he must be dethroned."

The king grew very fearful, for his subjects were preparing to rise against him. So one evening, he ordered a golden goblet to be filled from the well, and he drank deeply. The next day, there was great rejoicing among the people, for their beloved king had finally regained his reason."

"A time will come when the whole world will go mad. And to anyone who is not mad they will say: 'You are mad, for you are not like us.'" - St. Anthony the Great (attributed to)

"Just look at us. Everything is backwards. Everything is upside down. Doctors destroy health, lawyers destroy justice, universities destroy knowledge, governments destroy freedom, the major media destroy information, and religion destroys spirituality." -  Michael Ellner

Dogbert: "Reality is always controlled by the people who are most insane." - Scott Adams, Dilbert

"We are in the process of creating what deserves to be called the idiot culture. Not an idiot sub-culture, which every society has bubbling beneath the surface and which can provide harmless fun; but the culture itself. For the first time, the weird and the stupid and the coarse are becoming our cultural norm, even our cultural ideal." - Carl Bernstein, U.S. Journalist. Guardian (London, June 3, 1992)

"Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong." - Oscar Wilde

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” - Mark Twain

"Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue..." - Billy Joel, in his hit song Honesty

"Insanity is relative. It depends on who has who locked in what cage." - Ray Bradbury

"Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe." - Johann von Goethe

"In a mad world, only the mad are sane." - Akira Kurosawa

"What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?" - Ursula K. LeGuin (b. 1929), US author, The Princess

"Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives... I think we’re being run by maniacs for maniacal ends... and I think I’m liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That’s what’s insane about it." - John Lennon, Interview BBC-TV (June 22, 1968)

"The most dangerous man, to any government, is the man who is able to think things out for himself without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane and intolerable, and so, if he is romantic, he tries to change it. And even if he is not romantic personally he is apt to spread discontent among those who are." - H.L. Mencken

"In America, the criminally insane rule and the rest of us, or the vast majority of the rest of us, either do not care, do not know, or are distracted and properly brainwashed into acquiescence." - Kurt Nimmo

"America is an insane asylum run by the inmates." - Lester Roloff (1914-1982)

"When the world goes mad, one must accept madness as sanity; since sanity is, in the last analysis, nothing but the madness on which the whole world happens to agree." - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), British playwright

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown

“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.” - Rita Mae Brown

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." - Lily Tomlin (1939 - ), Actress

"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." - Voltaire

"Sometimes I think that the greatest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere in the universe is that it hasn't tried to contact us yet." - Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

"If human beings were shown what they're really like, they'd either kill one another as vermin, or hang themselves." - Aldous Huxley, Author of A Brave New World

"They must find it difficult...those who have taken authority as the truth, rather than truth as the authority." - Gerald Massey

“Devotion to the truth is the hallmark of morality; there is no greater, nobler, more heroic form of devotion than the act of a man who assumes the responsibility of thinking.” - Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

http://www.happierabroad.com/Quotes_Insanity.htm

If it's not Freedom, it's Slavery

Anarchy is slavery

Atheism is slavery

Authoritarianism is slavery

Capitalism is slavery

Colonialism is slavery

Communitarianism is slavery

Communism is slavery

Conservatism is slavery

Corporatism is slavery

Democracy is slavery

Egoism is slavery

Environmentalism is slavery

Fascism is slavery

Identityism is slavery

Imperislism is slavery

Liberalism is slavery

Libertarianism is slavery

Monarchy is slavery

Nationalism is slavery

Oligarchy is slavery

Populism is slavery

Progressivism is slavery

Religion is slavery

Separatism is slavery

Sexism is slavery

Socialism is slavery

Supremacism is slavery

Syndicalism is slavery

Theocracy is slavery

Transhumanism is slavery

FREEDOM IS FREEDOM

There is a lack of Understanding

 

This is NOT, what it looks like, to the vast majority of individuals.

'Oh, if only things were that simple...'

 

Don't believe what people tell you, it's a trap! Reading, listening, seeing, feeling, smelling, tasting, thinking, is not believing, it's not Truth. Be very careful! Look up, look inside, be alone, look at sunlight in the palm of your hand, become aware, don't fear, develop courage, understand morality. Search for Truth for yourself.



If i learned one thing from this human life, it was how harsh this place is.



Develop True Care

Let's say that i was living in so much suffering that i tried to get out of my body and failed, and that after that i wanted to know Why i was still alive if i had no reason to. Over the years, i became so aware of both mine and other people's suffering, that it ended up consuming me, much more than it did before then, so i asked myself questions and searched for answers so deep it hurts to deal with It(Truth). I didn't find exactly what i wanted during my (never ending)research, i ended up discovering other things instead, and then i found that which Is Superior to everything and everyone, and then, Apocalypse, and after, It, and with It, i gained (the 2nd[of 3] level of)Understanding, and awareness of the Mysteries. Nothing was the same anymore... Despite being too much for me to deal with It correctly as i am now in life(misery), i wanted more. So, for a long time i searched for a way to discover Truth, understand It, and share It, to help stop the suffering of everyone in the world, help them find the answers to their questions, understand them, and apply them in their lives for them to do, in a moral, correct, and right fashion, what they are here to do. But i found out i can't do "it", sorry. I didn't realize what i wanted to do was impossible, for a human, and that it had already been done, long, long ago. I didn't Understand how this place works.

The "find video on Youtube" could not find it, so i had to cut it to upload it.



Don't believe what people tell you, it's a trap! Reading, listening, seeing, feeling, smelling, tasting, thinking, is not believing, it's not Truth. Be very careful! Look up, look inside, be alone, look at sunlight in the palm of your hand, become aware, don't fear, develop courage, understand morality. Search for Truth for yourself.

Watch the videos again, i know you didn't understand, and don't bother asking questions to anyone other than yourself.