My hate is (wrong but) justifiable!!!!

(I do know hate is self harm, but i'm under too much stress and have nowhere else to go live.)

There is no rest, no peace, no quietness, no morality, no respect, no decency, no thinking, no help, nothing pleasant about "my family", (and not just here but with people in general as well i might add) not 10 years ago, not 5 years ago, not last year, not last month, not last week, not yesterday, not today, and i'm sure without it even happening yet that there won't be any tomorrow, or the day after, or the month, after that, or the year after that, there won't be ANY improvement because like the VAST majority of "humans" "my family" is DEAD as well!!!
But this doesn't come out of nowhere, the THOUSANDS of horrible experiences i've had both with "family" and people in general make me feel nothing but despise and hate for "them".
The things that happen in this house alone are 100 times enough to make anyone hate having a "family", so much that if i'm still alive when they all die, or if the "family" that lives outside my house dies, i will absolutely not feel any kind of even the slightest bit of sadness for any of them, my face will not change!!
Those who talk so highly about family don't know what domestic VIOLENCE is! They were not born with the extreme bad luck that me and other unfortunate individuals were born into.
And yes, i can write all of this and even more if i want to, because the hate i am feeling, it is ABSOLUTELY JUSTIFIABLE, and since i have not one person to help me get out of here, i have to isolate myself like i don't even belong in this world, just because the alternative is unbearable.
Family? What family? Humans? Oh, those who live in ignorance like animals? In general, humans are worse than animals because they know the difference between good and evil, yet they choose to live like slaves hurting themselves and others while belonging to this world more and more, engorging themselves with satanism, they live in hell and they adore it, and that's why i say they're dead, because they don't know and don't care. The biggest sin anyone can commit is having a baby!

RAGE

The world has turned to a mad house living in insanity and gone to the pigs to consume, kill, and destroy!
Stupid, stupid, stupid people, i've had to witness such acts of unbelievable idiocracy, suddenly people commit such acts of retarded behaviour that i don't have the patience right now to express how i feel about both it and them!
How can people act like they have shit for brains? How?! It keeps geting worse and worse, so much i can barely be around people for too long anymore.
And the unfairness of what happens to bad people that doesn't happen to moral, right, calm, peaceful, inteligent, sane people, i've watched enough to fill me with stress right up to my hair, it makes my whole body shake with fury!!!
From liars being rewarded, killers walking free, harassment being permited, satanism promoted as right behaviour, psychopaths leading the dead, unspeakable acts, babies being neglected to death, these fake agressive abusers getting treated like they're nice people, violent people hurting innocent individuals to the point of destroying their bodies and even lives, war...
I've had it with these... humans.
I don't care how much these immoral wicked filthy scumbags suffer, every single one of these beasts  in a human body living in this world can go to hell, and stay there! Oh, silly me, that's right, we are already in hell!!!!!!!
If when i die, i can choose, i'm never, ever, coming back to this place. Never again!

Ripping| Through/

Dead before time,
 embodiment of satan,
 the philosophers of lucifer,
 deserved is their stay,
 wont for bliss,
 a rotting grave.

You win and you die.
 Shatter!
  Sleeping the sheep,
  sitting the plant,
  soiling the feet,
  fire through it,
  need is for strong.

Source is worth,

 struggle a bubble,

 questions of fail,
 stop.

The scared child,
 veiled is the window,
 mortal in hurricane,
 the line of right,
 quiet five masters.

Lost is a fragment,
 covered by light,
 who is not in the know,
 and is yet to lament.

Faces of fear,
 crushers and slashers,
 a monster of red,
 addicted to shrivel,
 falling for life.
  Opposite day is every day.

I can't sleep

I need the sleep so much, because i go to work after lunch and get out at midnight, but i've been awake for hours in bed, fighting anguish and violent thoughts that i can't get rid of, they keep coming to my head, because i can't stop thinking about her.
 Where are you?
For some reason i feel restless even knowing this is all for nothing!
There's no way i can sleep now.
 How am i going to work?
This trauma of abandonment is stronger than anything i can describe, i stay in a state of disbelief for too long, it ruins my day every time this happens, i can't rest, it's impossible, she had no idea how important she was to me when she disappeared suddenly.
I needed her!
Still do?
Why?
I've only been alone my entire life, waiting for true love like a sucker, like a child!
 What madness drives me to feel like ripping through my chest with my hands until i lose my strength?
Why is my head filled with the desire to hurt myself for not deserving to be with her?
I'm so stressed.
Help!
Why did this have to happen to me, it's a sickness, there's no cure but death, and i have to suffer in misery like a beast chained to a rock inside a cave.
I feel like hanging myself or crying to the floor!
I'm so hopeless i hate to be alive.
What do i do now?
Excruciating, this is torture.
I wish i could forget everything.
I wish i could kill myself, because i'm so afraid to fail again.
No one would understand that i don't want to be alive anymore, there's nothing in this world for me, nothing!
All i wanted was her.
When will this end?
I am desolate.
How can i do anything if i'm so stupid these feelings still live inside me after more than 4 years?
What am i supposed to do?
What i wanted above everything i felt for her only.
Why do i have to be alive if i failed?
I want to do violent things to myself, i deserve no better, i can't even cry right anymore.
A face washed with tears is worthless, there's nothing but misery here.
I can't stand being alive, i feel furious, i want to die!
I don't want to be alive anymore, i don't care, i'm going to lose my head

So, life in this world is a punishment, for what exactly?

While reading The Forgotten Books of Eden, by Rutherford H. Platt, Jr., [1926], at sacred-texts.com i stopped at chapter 25(XXV) of the first(1st) book, wanting to write some of the thoughts going through my head, so what follows, it's surely not meant to be coherent.

If "Adam" and "Eve" were on the garden with "God", and the "serpent" lied to them and they ate from the "Tree of Knowledge", and for that were punished to become human and live in this world below for a certain amount of time, until their covenant with "God" was fulfilled, then... what did they do wrong exactly?

What is the "Tree of Knowledge"? Where is it? Can you eat fruit from it? Is it physical? What is it all about?

And why was the "serpent(Satan/the "god" of this world)" jealous and lie? Why was it even there? There where exactly?

Who was it that wrote the diaries of "Adam" and "Eve"?

And why do i feel like an inferior ignorant version of "Adam"? I know the texts are not 100% Truth, but still, what exactly do those individuals who wrote those old texts want to pass on after all that i still can't seem to understand?

This is not "it", i do know that! What is "this" then exactly all about?

As it appears, there is no human without sin.
It seems unfair to me, to have to pay for the sins of the first humans, whatever truly happened to them, long, long ago...

_________________________________________________________________________________
P.S. - I'm not a member of any religion or anti-religion and that's why i "quote" words, i simply have an interest in old texts because they are closer to Truth, even if floating on a sea of perversions, that includes religions and why they were created and spread, promoted, after all, to initiate those in ignorance, but in an erroneous way, for an specific purpose. I digress.

I can't wait to get out...

I c😢ould repeat t😢his every day. No, i cou😢😢te being aliv😢😢t😢here's no😢thing but suffer😢ing and pain a😢nd insanity😢 and torture the w😢😢hole😢 day, e😢very week, ev😢ery 😢month, ever😢😢y 😢ear. T😢😢ere's 😢n😢othing else!!!😢😢😢😢😢 Wh😢en is th😢time 😢of m😢y de😢at😢h? I😢😢w😢ish i k😢😢ew...
😢My situat😢on will never get 😢better, so why😢😢can'😢 i die n😢? I w😢😢nt to😢
rest!!!😢😢

Difficulty breathing under strong rain and wind!

It started pouring rain so i had to go upstairs to pick up some things and clothes, i had to be fast, but in the middle of it i found myself getting drenched and having difficulty breathing, why was that? I wasn't drinking the rain, and the wind wasn't that fast, yet my chest started to hurt, and it felt like i was being coated in water and starting to drown in a dense atmosphere. That was strange!

It still hurts this much after 4 years ?!

All i have are these walls around me, I KNOW THAT, it's all i have, and when i die that's all i'll lose.
Every week i have to keep reminding myself of that.
I know better, but still this happens!
Why did this happen to me, when it's useless and worthless? "True Love" doesn't even exist!! If i didn't deserve to be with her, i couldn't kill myself either, and why? I had nothing else in my life to life for! My life was 100% done. It makes no sense why i got a tremendous flow of failure and negativity since i can remember.
She keeps coming to my head, this strange heaviness in my brain doesn't let me rest, memories swallow me whole, pain fills my chest, i can't focus on anything, it increases in intensity from time to time, and i can't stop it!
She disappeared, i've been mourning ever since, that means she died, doesn't it?
Seeing her again would be a shock to me, i feel like i'd not be able to stop from hurting my body feeling i deserve it, and hanging myself until the weakness takes me and i fall to the floor crying in misery again.
Why can't i kill myself? I've got a terminal illness, i've begged to die a thousand times, i've lost my sanity and went crazy in complete isolation from the outside world, i've created and consumed a hurricane of emotions and feelings, and all for what?
Why am i still alive?
Why can't i die? It's all i want! All i have left, i'm sure of it, then why?
I want to die when i got to bed at night, i wake up feeling the same when i wake up.
THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!
Why? And alone, everything there is to know about me is that i've been alone for more years than anyone else i know of or ever met.
I never asked for any of it!! My life was ruined without recovery possible.
All i wanted since i was a child was to be loved by one girl only, just one. To feel and know what it is like, to... (i wish i could explain it, but i really can't, you'd have to have been alone your entire life and descended into near death misery for years to understand the kind of brutality i've been through)
I am alone! That is absolute fact, it defines my life. I am alone! SO WHY CAN'T I DIE???
Why? Can't i at least deserve to know?