|Drowning /Torment

Fall into darkness,
 accidental trauma,
 pseudo selective mutism,
 hands out of reach,
 the aching of distance.

Thousand spent questions,
  the brain as a meal,
  occult beyond obvious,
  a sea of lies,
  grinding for answers.

Vessel for suffering,
 recycling of sins,
 draught inside,
 perpetuity.

Googling and ogling,
 the needs of weakness,
 avoidable regrets,
 actions of greed,
 broken pretensions,
 common sense prevails.

Out of focus,
 the plague of bad thoughts,
 unaware of reality,
 confusing sleep states,
 never ending nightmare.

The spitting of hate,
 a layer of filth,
 unwanted bonds,
 surrounded by shadow,
 triggers of rage,
 walls of avoidance,
 a coffin shaped sleep.

Twisted visions,
 uncomfortableness,
 remembering numb,
 mental block in the head,
 dull and motionlessness.
  Fear!

Thoughts of desire,
 much time spent,
 a void inside,
 swallowing feelings,
 memories of meaningless,
 untouched lifetime.

Mask of one expression,
 sparce of communication,
 unable to read minds,
 sighing and nodding,
 avoidance.

Imagination as failure,
 tortured into weakness,
 no sitting comfort,
 invisible hollow,
 all consuming void,
 the waiting of incapacitation.

No room to fall dead,
 ruin of hoarding,
 to see but not touch,
 the dead don't care.

Abandonment of help,
 her face amid tears,
 manifestations of begging,
 the chore of breathing,
 hanging upstraight,
 scrubbing away stress,
 drowning atmosphere,
 affliction of loss,
 a burden of grief.

Silently staring,
 a body most heavy,
 unable to act,
 crippling loneliness,
 imprisoned in misery,
 insults of worthlessness,
 shattering sanity,
 broken will,
 crying over a dimming existence.

Darkness

Why am i still alive?(i should know this)

There is nothing for me here.

No one understands.

Born to survive in solitary confinement.

The will to eat has left me.

Misery and pain.

Nothing good ever happened to me.

No one ever wanted to be with me.

I feel like i am always crying.

I just feel like dying every day.

The human life is a nightmare.

Suicide attempts feel like cruelty.

Everything i want always goes wrong.

I do not have the strength to try anymore.

I hate being forced to live in hell!

There is not one person for me to even talk to or touch.

I am completely alone...

When i disappear, this blog and my youtube account, will be the only proof i ever existed.

I wish i could finally rest...

It would really just be putting me out of my misery, really.
There's no need to feel sad about it, i "died" long ago, anyway.
No person should live a life like this.
Having to force this human body to stay alive, what did i do to deserve this punishment?
Morbid.
You cannot choose everything about your life, just because you can move and become independent.
I have become loneliness incarnate.
I'm tired, have been so for 10 years, each one worse than the previous, i can't still believe it, what my life has become.
Tired of my life, of my body, of my "family", of my house, of being alone, of being lonely, of being sick, of being poor, of being rejected, of being in hell, of being living a nightmare, of being alive.
Obviously, if i could kill myself i wouldn't be writing this shit, i'd be long gone, and it would be fine.
I'm still waiting for my time to come, life is so long, i wish i don't come back anymore.
There's no other reason for me being alive, than to experience more suffering, how much i can swallow before i explode.
If i could die today...
It would be fine.

Behavior is either moral(right), or immoral(wrong)

There's no such thing as different morality for different people and different cases.
IT'S ALL THE SAME AND EQUAL MEANING FOR EVERYONE!
Either something is moral, or it is immoral.
If it's MORAL it's RIGHT.
If it's IMMORAL it's WRONG.
Just like programming a computer, and the same way, how humans are programmed.
There is a line on the ground, it's called MORALITY, and if you stray outside that line, you're in IMMORALITY.
Without exception, for everything you think, say, do, has a consequence.
ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!
Doesn't even matter in the slightest, if you are aware of how this place works or not.
It's really that simple, and there's no escaping it, and you'll find out what i mean, much, much later.

My hate is (wrong but) justifiable!!!!

(I do know hate is self harm, but i'm under too much stress and have nowhere else to go live.)

There is no rest, no peace, no quietness, no morality, no respect, no decency, no thinking, no help, nothing pleasant about "my family", (and not just here but with people in general as well i might add) not 10 years ago, not 5 years ago, not last year, not last month, not last week, not yesterday, not today, and i'm sure without it even happening yet that there won't be any tomorrow, or the day after, or the month, after that, or the year after that, there won't be ANY improvement because like the VAST majority of "humans" "my family" is DEAD as well!!!
But this doesn't come out of nowhere, the THOUSANDS of horrible experiences i've had both with "family" and people in general make me feel nothing but despise and hate for "them".
The things that happen in this house alone are 100 times enough to make anyone hate having a "family", so much that if i'm still alive when they all die, or if the "family" that lives outside my house dies, i will absolutely not feel any kind of even the slightest bit of sadness for any of them, my face will not change!!
Those who talk so highly about family don't know what domestic VIOLENCE is! They were not born with the extreme bad luck that me and other unfortunate individuals were born into.
And yes, i can write all of this and even more if i want to, because the hate i am feeling, it is ABSOLUTELY JUSTIFIABLE, and since i have not one person to help me get out of here, i have to isolate myself like i don't even belong in this world, just because the alternative is unbearable.
Family? What family? Humans? Oh, those who live in ignorance like animals? In general, humans are worse than animals because they know the difference between good and evil, yet they choose to live like slaves hurting themselves and others while belonging to this world more and more, engorging themselves with satanism, they live in hell and they adore it, and that's why i say they're dead, because they don't know and don't care. The biggest sin anyone can commit is having a baby!

RAGE

The world has turned to a mad house living in insanity and gone to the pigs to consume, kill, and destroy!
Stupid, stupid, stupid people, i've had to witness such acts of unbelievable idiocracy, suddenly people commit such acts of retarded behaviour that i don't have the patience right now to express how i feel about both it and them!
How can people act like they have shit for brains? How?! It keeps geting worse and worse, so much i can barely be around people for too long anymore.
And the unfairness of what happens to bad people that doesn't happen to moral, right, calm, peaceful, inteligent, sane people, i've watched enough to fill me with stress right up to my hair, it makes my whole body shake with fury!!!
From liars being rewarded, killers walking free, harassment being permited, satanism promoted as right behaviour, psychopaths leading the dead, unspeakable acts, babies being neglected to death, these fake agressive abusers getting treated like they're nice people, violent people hurting innocent individuals to the point of destroying their bodies and even lives, war...
I've had it with these... humans.
I don't care how much these immoral wicked filthy scumbags suffer, every single one of these beasts  in a human body living in this world can go to hell, and stay there! Oh, silly me, that's right, we are already in hell!!!!!!!
If when i die, i can choose, i'm never, ever, coming back to this place. Never again!

Ripping| Through/

Dead before time,
 embodiment of satan,
 the philosophers of lucifer,
 deserved is their stay,
 wont for bliss,
 a rotting grave.

You win and you die.
 Shatter!
  Sleeping the sheep,
  sitting the plant,
  soiling the feet,
  fire through it,
  need is for strong.

Source is worth,

 struggle a bubble,

 questions of fail,
 stop.

The scared child,
 veiled is the window,
 mortal in hurricane,
 the line of right,
 quiet five masters.

Lost is a fragment,
 covered by light,
 who is not in the know,
 and is yet to lament.

Faces of fear,
 crushers and slashers,
 a monster of red,
 addicted to shrivel,
 falling for life.
  Opposite day is every day.

I can't sleep

I need the sleep so much, because i go to work after lunch and get out at midnight, but i've been awake for hours in bed, fighting anguish and violent thoughts that i can't get rid of, they keep coming to my head, because i can't stop thinking about her.
 Where are you?
For some reason i feel restless even knowing this is all for nothing!
There's no way i can sleep now.
 How am i going to work?
This trauma of abandonment is stronger than anything i can describe, i stay in a state of disbelief for too long, it ruins my day every time this happens, i can't rest, it's impossible, she had no idea how important she was to me when she disappeared suddenly.
I needed her!
Still do?
Why?
I've only been alone my entire life, waiting for true love like a sucker, like a child!
 What madness drives me to feel like ripping through my chest with my hands until i lose my strength?
Why is my head filled with the desire to hurt myself for not deserving to be with her?
I'm so stressed.
Help!
Why did this have to happen to me, it's a sickness, there's no cure but death, and i have to suffer in misery like a beast chained to a rock inside a cave.
I feel like hanging myself or crying to the floor!
I'm so hopeless i hate to be alive.
What do i do now?
Excruciating, this is torture.
I wish i could forget everything.
I wish i could kill myself, because i'm so afraid to fail again.
No one would understand that i don't want to be alive anymore, there's nothing in this world for me, nothing!
All i wanted was her.
When will this end?
I am desolate.
How can i do anything if i'm so stupid these feelings still live inside me after more than 4 years?
What am i supposed to do?
What i wanted above everything i felt for her only.
Why do i have to be alive if i failed?
I want to do violent things to myself, i deserve no better, i can't even cry right anymore.
A face washed with tears is worthless, there's nothing but misery here.
I can't stand being alive, i feel furious, i want to die!
I don't want to be alive anymore, i don't care, i'm going to lose my head