TRANSCEND

While in a body, physical connection has far less importance than people believe it does, because anyone can touch someone else either by accident or help or desire or violence or rape. How important can the physical be then, if anyone can do anything to anyone else provided there's a chance and will to do so, with any motive behind it?

To feel a person's body, her weight, her warmth, her breath, that means the soul is there giving life to that body, but someday she eventually leaves the body and then it dies, there's no more weight, or warmth, or breath anymore. That person is gone to some other place.

How close can two souls get?
Is it even possible for two individuals to become one?
Can the hope of meeting after death become true?

To live in the same state of mind. Accept without distinction or worry. Sharing food, desire, and life. Affection without shame. Ardent embrace. To unite with someone, and be together, more than these physical bodies allow. Transcending the bond of humanly possible.

Too much to bear!

I can't rest or sleep well, it hurts to the points of agony from time to time, my head doesn't work and i can't focus, being alone at home having no social life of any kind again makes this torture similar to pain in my teeth that drives me mad, i want to kill myself but i feel so weak and depressed i barely move, i'm tired of being alive, i hate being alone, to me life is a punishment i am forced to go through against my will, and because the woman who represented my dream disappeared without a word i am completely lost in this darkness and cold. IT HURTS!!!!!!!
People kill themselves for much less than being alone at home 23hours a day, and how can stupid worthless me survive that long in hell, makes no sense, being alive makes no sense, reality makes no sense. I'm numb.
Often i think about hanging myself, or inhaling carbon monoxide to put me asleep forever, but i'm too weak, i've been there before, and, it's cruel! I have to force myself to breath as well, can't even cry right anymore, and it's Christmas, whatever that means, it hurts so much i can't sleep or even eat, IT HURTS being so miserable, she's gone don't even know if she's alive, my will to live is gone, my body heat is gone, my sanity is gone, i'm going to die without even knowing what having a woman just for me feels like, and i can't feel anything else but the pressure to kill myself, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopelesssss

"I Want To Be Alone"

Jackson C. Frank - ''I Want To Be Alone (Dialogue)'' [Electroma]

I, want to be alone
I need to touch each stone
face the grave that I have grown,
I want to be alone.

Before all the days are gone
and darker walls are bent and torn,
to pass the time of those who won
I want to be alone.

Rivers that run anywhere
are in my hand and just up the stairs
past the eyes of those who care
who can never be alone.

Changes where not ment to be 
told the hours of my memory.
Sing a song of the love to me
to say you must never never be alone

But tears of a silent rain
seek shelter on my broken pane
and run away but I remain
to speak the words 
that sing alone. 

I, want to be alone
I need to touch each stone
face the grave that I have grown,
I want to be alone.

Final scene from the movie "Electroma'' (2006) directed by Daft Punk. 
Distributed by Daft Arts / Wild Bunch.

Music: Jackson C. Frank - "I Want To Be Alone (Dialogue)" from the album ''Jackson C. Frank'' released by Columbia in 1965

_____________________________________________________________________________________

better to die alone, than live a lie

And yet, i'm still here...

People around me keep dying. It's the 4th family member this year, 2 lived in this house, had to watch 1 die.
When my mother dies, then, that's it, i'll be 100% alone. I don't even have anyone to talk to.
There's not a breath of will to live inside me, there's nothing i want from this world, only this body forcing me, punishing me for still being trapped here, in hell, and i have to wash it, and feed it, and put it to sleep, like a zombie. And for what? To stay alive? But i don't want to be alive, i hate all of this with a weakness, instead of passion.
It's been 4000 days, it's so cold and lifeless to be in this body.
Why be born, why be human? Such tremendous suffering and misery, being here makes no sense to me!

|Drowning /Torment

Fall into darkness,
 accidental trauma,
 pseudo selective mutism,
 hands out of reach,
 the aching of distance.

Thousand spent questions,
  the brain as a meal,
  occult beyond obvious,
  a sea of lies,
  grinding for answers.

Vessel for suffering,
 recycling of sins,
 draught inside,
 perpetuity.

Googling and ogling,
 the needs of weakness,
 avoidable regrets,
 actions of greed,
 broken pretensions,
 common sense prevails.

Out of focus,
 the plague of bad thoughts,
 unaware of reality,
 confusing sleep states,
 never ending nightmare.

The spitting of hate,
 a layer of filth,
 unwanted bonds,
 surrounded by shadow,
 triggers of rage,
 walls of avoidance,
 a coffin shaped sleep.

Twisted visions,
 uncomfortableness,
 remembering numb,
 mental block in the head,
 dull and motionlessness.
  Fear!

Thoughts of desire,
 much time spent,
 a void inside,
 swallowing feelings,
 memories of meaningless,
 untouched lifetime.

Mask of one expression,
 sparce of communication,
 unable to read minds,
 sighing and nodding,
 avoidance.

Imagination as failure,
 tortured into weakness,
 no sitting comfort,
 invisible hollow,
 all consuming void,
 the waiting of incapacitation.

No room to fall dead,
 ruin of hoarding,
 to see but not touch,
 the dead don't care.

Abandonment of help,
 her face amid tears,
 manifestations of begging,
 the chore of breathing,
 hanging upstraight,
 scrubbing away stress,
 drowning atmosphere,
 affliction of loss,
 a burden of grief.

Silently staring,
 a body most heavy,
 unable to act,
 crippling loneliness,
 imprisoned in misery,
 insults of worthlessness,
 shattering sanity,
 broken will,
 crying over a dimming existence.

Darkness

Why am i still alive?(i should know this)

There is nothing for me here.

No one understands.

Born to survive in solitary confinement.

The will to eat has left me.

Misery and pain.

Nothing good ever happened to me.

No one ever wanted to be with me.

I feel like i am always crying.

I just feel like dying every day.

The human life is a nightmare.

Suicide attempts feel like cruelty.

Everything i want always goes wrong.

I do not have the strength to try anymore.

I hate being forced to live in hell!

There is not one person for me to even talk to or touch.

I am completely alone...

When i disappear, this blog and my youtube account, will be the only proof i ever existed.

I wish i could finally rest...

It would really just be putting me out of my misery, really.
There's no need to feel sad about it, i "died" long ago, anyway.
No person should live a life like this.
Having to force this human body to stay alive, what did i do to deserve this punishment?
Morbid.
You cannot choose everything about your life, just because you can move and become independent.
I have become loneliness incarnate.
I'm tired, have been so for 10 years, each one worse than the previous, i can't still believe it, what my life has become.
Tired of my life, of my body, of my "family", of my house, of being alone, of being lonely, of being sick, of being poor, of being rejected, of being in hell, of being living a nightmare, of being alive.
Obviously, if i could kill myself i wouldn't be writing this shit, i'd be long gone, and it would be fine.
I'm still waiting for my time to come, life is so long, i wish i don't come back anymore.
There's no other reason for me being alive, than to experience more suffering, how much i can swallow before i explode.
If i could die today...
It would be fine.

Behavior is either moral(right), or immoral(wrong)

There's no such thing as different morality for different people and different cases.
IT'S ALL THE SAME AND EQUAL MEANING FOR EVERYONE!
Either something is moral, or it is immoral.
If it's MORAL it's RIGHT.
If it's IMMORAL it's WRONG.
Just like programming a computer, and the same way, how humans are programmed.
There is a line on the ground, it's called MORALITY, and if you stray outside that line, you're in IMMORALITY.
Without exception, for everything you think, say, do, has a consequence.
ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!
Doesn't even matter in the slightest, if you are aware of how this place works or not.
It's really that simple, and there's no escaping it, and you'll find out what i mean, much, much later.