I still remember when i lost the will to live

It was for certain on a friday day 13, i suppose in May, 10 years ago, but i stopped caring about the future that day, so whichever date doesn't really matter to me.

Before that day, i was living in such a deep depression and isolation, that i would cry rivers of tears from my eyes, every day, on purpose to try to get rid of all the pain through feeling relieved, or as if my tears couldn't possibly last forever, and i believed if i released what i felt then it had to get better some day. But the opposite happened.

I was watching "Youth without Youth" on my bedroom, sitting in my office chair, to use the film as a trigger to make me cry like crazy because i identified with the main character, so it was one of several things i had at my disposal that easily made me cry.
After 30 seconds i was washing my face with tears, then it continued to get stronger, and when  my body bent forward on the chair, my nose started running, i couldn't see anymore because of the tears, my body was aching horribly as i started to panic, when i realized that was all my life had become, me alone in my bedroom, forever.
This was when a hurricane of emotions accumulated all my life was born inside me, and i tried to free it from inside myself, but it became so intense, my body reached its limit, making me vomit on the floor between my feet, completely spent, weak, and supidly numb in disbelief. Then the hurricane, as i called, came back inside.

The next day, or so i believe, in the afternoon, i slowly gathered 50 pills of 3 kinds, from the medication i was on at the time, and swallowed them all, one by one.
Then, i got up from my chair, and lied down on my bed, waiting.

Disappointment was all i could feel, after some time, when nothing happened.
I didn't know what to do, all i wanted was to fall asleep and don't wake up anymore, but it had failed.

The next day, i specially bought 2 big bottles of beer, and drank 1 with 30 something pills i had left, but it didn't work either.
I was at my lowest ever.
Either that night or the next, i decided to drink alcohol like crazy, to try to forget everything and everyone, so i grabbed a red wine bottle and drank it all, then a glass of whisky, 1 of gin and honey licoor or whatever that was, and a little of something else, making in the end, around 1.5 litres of alcoholic beverages without eating anything.
It was 22:00 when i went upstairs, it was just me, and the darkness of the night.
I vomited the 1st time, then drank some more, and was still crying and talking to myself drunk and miserable.
When it was around 23:00 i felt so sick i could barely stand, there was this fear inside me, and i called my mother to take me to the hospital.

Around 23:30 i was at the hospital in the emergency waiting room, i ent to the bathroom drunk once, it was difficult for me to stay awake.
When a doctor saw me in the adjacent room, i was a mess, my head and arms were on a table, i was about to lose my senses while i kept saying "i want to die, i just want to die".

A few minutes before midnight i was being carried by 2 security guards in a corridor, to a stretcher, when i vomited the last time, and lost my senses.

When i woke up, it was almost silent around me but there were lights on, i was sideways on a stretcher in that corridor, when i tried to get up and sit i noticed i had an i.v. solution going to one of my hands connected to a metal tripod stand of metal with wheels. I was there for a while, until someone talked to me.

It was still night, when a nurse called me to a small room, and injected something in one of my gluts, to deal with my alcohol poisoning or something. Later i was in a wheelchair, looking down a long while, when i felt the need to got to the bathroom, so i told a nurse, and she gave me something to go on inside, but i grabbed it and never used it, just kept that thing in my hand, until the time i got up and went to the bathroom. Then came back to a waiting room, and there was barely a hint of sunrise coming through a window.

I waited, and some people started gathering there as time went by, a girl my age that i ended up talking to a lot, a romanian man, some others i didn't talk to. While i was told to kepp waiting there, i walked back and foward around that place some times, until morning came, and i was alone sitting not talking to anyone.
When someone brought us food and drinks, i didn't accept any.
Morning was over, and lunch time came.
A long while later, i was called, and told i'd be going on an ambulance to another city, to be seen at another hospital.

It was just me in that van, with 2 firemen or some kind of nurses, it took some 45 minutes to get there, to the largest hospital in the south of this country. There were people everywhere, i went to the emergency rom there, and got another wristband from a doctor, then we went to a psychiatric hospital, where a nurse interviewed me, then told me to wait for the doctor.

This was the point where i realized, when i was in a sort of bench outside looking to the long avenue and prison across the street, that i had nothing to care about anymore, i was just there, waiting.
And this is how and where i lost the will to live.
My future, to me, died that day.
(i'll never be capable of making someone understand what happened to me)

When the doctor finally called for me, i went inside and sat on the chair again. She was having trouble with the fingerprint login in her computer. When asked me questions about what i had done to myself, and why, i told her what she needed to hear, and about the medication, then a nurse came in and asked her if i would be staying there at the hospital, the doctor said no, and prescribed me more medication after me telling her i was willing to behave and try again.

On the ride back, i was just looking out the window and to the front of the ambulance.
My mother was waiting for me at the 1st hospital. While she was taking care of something in my name, i met a former classmate, told him i had drunk a lot of alcohol and such, then got in the car and went home.

Now it was around 15:00 or more, my long journey was over, i felt nothing now, my body was weak, my face was the same sad/tired from since i woke up some 10 hours previously.
I entered my home, still talking a bit to my mother, got to my bedroom, still had 3 hospital wristbands on my wrists, put the new medication in my bedroom, sat down, and spent countless years descending deeper and deeper into the unbelievable misery i could never imagine when i told to myself, "my life couldn't possibly get worse".
But it did, and it was unbelievable to me, what happened in the following 10 years, and how much, much worse, my life got.

Back then i already believed that only what i call now "true love", would be able to save me, and make me want to live again.
I don't need to tell anyone and explain all the problems that ruined me.
This is the sum of the memories i have, to write the story of the 1st time i tried to kill myself, and when i lost the will to live, just leaving myself alone, waiting to die at home.

TRANSCEND

While in a body, physical connection has far less importance than people believe it does, because anyone can touch someone else either by accident or help or desire or violence or rape. How important can the physical be then, if anyone can do anything to anyone else provided there's a chance and will to do so, with any motive behind it?

To feel a person's body, her weight, her warmth, her breath, that means the soul is there giving life to that body, but someday she eventually leaves the body and then it dies, there's no more weight, or warmth, or breath anymore. That person is gone to some other place.

How close can two souls get?
Is it even possible for two individuals to become one?
Can the hope of meeting after death become true?

To live in the same state of mind. Accept without distinction or worry. Sharing food, desire, and life. Affection without shame. Ardent embrace. To unite with someone, and be together, more than these physical bodies allow. Transcending the bond of humanly possible.

Too much to bear!

I can't rest or sleep well, it hurts to the points of agony from time to time, my head doesn't work and i can't focus, being alone at home having no social life of any kind again makes this torture similar to pain in my teeth that drives me mad, i want to kill myself but i feel so weak and depressed i barely move, i'm tired of being alive, i hate being alone, to me life is a punishment i am forced to go through against my will, and because the woman who represented my dream disappeared without a word i am completely lost in this darkness and cold. IT HURTS!!!!!!!
People kill themselves for much less than being alone at home 23hours a day, and how can stupid worthless me survive that long in hell, makes no sense, being alive makes no sense, reality makes no sense. I'm numb.
Often i think about hanging myself, or inhaling carbon monoxide to put me asleep forever, but i'm too weak, i've been there before, and, it's cruel! I have to force myself to breath as well, can't even cry right anymore, and it's Christmas, whatever that means, it hurts so much i can't sleep or even eat, IT HURTS being so miserable, she's gone don't even know if she's alive, my will to live is gone, my body heat is gone, my sanity is gone, i'm going to die without even knowing what having a woman just for me feels like, and i can't feel anything else but the pressure to kill myself, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopelesssss

"I Want To Be Alone"

Jackson C. Frank - ''I Want To Be Alone (Dialogue)'' [Electroma]

I, want to be alone
I need to touch each stone
face the grave that I have grown,
I want to be alone.

Before all the days are gone
and darker walls are bent and torn,
to pass the time of those who won
I want to be alone.

Rivers that run anywhere
are in my hand and just up the stairs
past the eyes of those who care
who can never be alone.

Changes where not ment to be 
told the hours of my memory.
Sing a song of the love to me
to say you must never never be alone

But tears of a silent rain
seek shelter on my broken pane
and run away but I remain
to speak the words 
that sing alone. 

I, want to be alone
I need to touch each stone
face the grave that I have grown,
I want to be alone.

Final scene from the movie "Electroma'' (2006) directed by Daft Punk. 
Distributed by Daft Arts / Wild Bunch.

Music: Jackson C. Frank - "I Want To Be Alone (Dialogue)" from the album ''Jackson C. Frank'' released by Columbia in 1965

_____________________________________________________________________________________

better to die alone, than live a lie

And yet, i'm still here...

People around me keep dying. It's the 4th family member this year, 2 lived in this house, had to watch 1 die.
When my mother dies, then, that's it, i'll be 100% alone. I don't even have anyone to talk to.
There's not a breath of will to live inside me, there's nothing i want from this world, only this body forcing me, punishing me for still being trapped here, in hell, and i have to wash it, and feed it, and put it to sleep, like a zombie. And for what? To stay alive? But i don't want to be alive, i hate all of this with a weakness, instead of passion.
It's been 4000 days, it's so cold and lifeless to be in this body.
Why be born, why be human? Such tremendous suffering and misery, being here makes no sense to me!

|Drowning /Torment

Fall into darkness,
 accidental trauma,
 pseudo selective mutism,
 hands out of reach,
 the aching of distance.

Thousand spent questions,
  the brain as a meal,
  occult beyond obvious,
  a sea of lies,
  grinding for answers.

Vessel for suffering,
 recycling of sins,
 draught inside,
 perpetuity.

Googling and ogling,
 the needs of weakness,
 avoidable regrets,
 actions of greed,
 broken pretensions,
 common sense prevails.

Out of focus,
 the plague of bad thoughts,
 unaware of reality,
 confusing sleep states,
 never ending nightmare.

The spitting of hate,
 a layer of filth,
 unwanted bonds,
 surrounded by shadow,
 triggers of rage,
 walls of avoidance,
 a coffin shaped sleep.

Twisted visions,
 uncomfortableness,
 remembering numb,
 mental block in the head,
 dull and motionlessness.
  Fear!

Thoughts of desire,
 much time spent,
 a void inside,
 swallowing feelings,
 memories of meaningless,
 untouched lifetime.

Mask of one expression,
 sparce of communication,
 unable to read minds,
 sighing and nodding,
 avoidance.

Imagination as failure,
 tortured into weakness,
 no sitting comfort,
 invisible hollow,
 all consuming void,
 the waiting of incapacitation.

No room to fall dead,
 ruin of hoarding,
 to see but not touch,
 the dead don't care.

Abandonment of help,
 her face amid tears,
 manifestations of begging,
 the chore of breathing,
 hanging upstraight,
 scrubbing away stress,
 drowning atmosphere,
 affliction of loss,
 a burden of grief.

Silently staring,
 a body most heavy,
 unable to act,
 crippling loneliness,
 imprisoned in misery,
 insults of worthlessness,
 shattering sanity,
 broken will,
 crying over a dimming existence.

Darkness

Why am i still alive?(i should know this)

There is nothing for me here.

No one understands.

Born to survive in solitary confinement.

The will to eat has left me.

Misery and pain.

Nothing good ever happened to me.

No one ever wanted to be with me.

I feel like i am always crying.

I just feel like dying every day.

The human life is a nightmare.

Suicide attempts feel like cruelty.

Everything i want always goes wrong.

I do not have the strength to try anymore.

I hate being forced to live in hell!

There is not one person for me to even talk to or touch.

I am completely alone...

When i disappear, this blog and my youtube account, will be the only proof i ever existed.

I wish i could finally rest...

It would really just be putting me out of my misery, really.
There's no need to feel sad about it, i "died" long ago, anyway.
No person should live a life like this.
Having to force this human body to stay alive, what did i do to deserve this punishment?
Morbid.
You cannot choose everything about your life, just because you can move and become independent.
I have become loneliness incarnate.
I'm tired, have been so for 10 years, each one worse than the previous, i can't still believe it, what my life has become.
Tired of my life, of my body, of my "family", of my house, of being alone, of being lonely, of being sick, of being poor, of being rejected, of being in hell, of being living a nightmare, of being alive.
Obviously, if i could kill myself i wouldn't be writing this shit, i'd be long gone, and it would be fine.
I'm still waiting for my time to come, life is so long, i wish i don't come back anymore.
There's no other reason for me being alive, than to experience more suffering, how much i can swallow before i explode.
If i could die today...
It would be fine.