29/01/2018

(play me)

01:00 In bed, after watching day 15, the last one, of the first Sumo tournament of this year, Tochinoshin won. On the smartphone watching videos, and searching some things like i usually do, since i can't fall asleep just like that.
Been having strange feelings at night when i'm in bed, sometimes. I either don't know who i am or where i am, or there's something i forget. Still it's not the same feeling from the 1st night i woke up at the hospital in 2016 and everything was dark even the corridor.

03:00 I can't stop thinking about women, or a certain woman, and how i can't even maintain contact with anyone through the internet, i simply don't know what to say to people who enjoy their bondage to their bodies and this world, and/or simply don't need me for anything, and somehow my deeply unfavorable fate has turned me into human repelent. What is it like to be touched?
Not having a spec of social life again makes me struggle so much just to write a message to anyone. I don't feel the anxiety i used to feel some years ago, but everything slowly dies inside me. I'm ashamed to even talk to anyone, because my life is nothing. Almost everything that goes on inside me i keep to myself.

07:00 Went to the bathroom, came back to bed and was thinking about some of my needs, ended up staying awake this time, searching for something or someone, that would comfort me. As usual, it was just a waste of time.

09:00 I'm not a morning person anymore, not since i left the hospital in march of 2016.
Couldn't sleep anymore, and it so happened that i went out, shop for food, see clothes, and feel miserable in public. Like anyone would notice. I really don't like having to interact with people. Played on that euromillions crap today, last friday got nothing. When i'm chosing numbers, i always feel they're the wrong ones and i'm never winning anything, feeling of loss before even trying.

11:00 My eyes are irritable because i slept just a few hours, and my throat feels a little bit swollen for some reason, but i don't know of any allergy that may have cause it.
It's windy today, and there are coulds, but it seems only tomorrow will rain. I strongly dislike wind, but i always enjoy rain, unless it stops some event i must attemd from happening.
I don't look forward to lunch or any meal, to me it's just something the body needs, so i'll eat whenever i want.
A week ago i applied to a job in a big shopping center, but there's too many people ahead of me apparently, still i wish i could get a job there, since i would be doing something similar to what i did last summer, and it wouldn't bother me much, being in that big open place.

13:00 Doing my daily internet searches for videos and stuff that interest me. Always waiting for someone to contact me, but it never happens, certainly not like i want. Needy for affection but not from anyone, and since i can't be with whoever would please me to be with, then i just want to be alone. It's either everything or nothing, so, like always, nothing it is.
Feeling sad, sad, sad.
Eating an avocado, and a certain type of cereal dry, rarely do i eat these things. Drinking water.
Being poor is something else.
The back of my feet hurts from the cold, i spend so many hours sitting and barely moving or being active in any way. So boring, having to wait to die. Waiting for the sun. Waiting to go out. Waiting...
Listening to the same harpsichord music for the past year, it's better than silence or noises and voices that cause me stress.
I keep thinking of what will i do when my mother dies, she's the only person i do anything with, that's how deep i've gotten after losing the will to live so long ago, that's how serious my situation is, yet i can't even panic or cry because my brain is broken and my heart shattered.
There's many things i'd like to do that would improve my quality of life, but i don't have the motivation.
Haven't eaten lunch yet, but my day is over already, there's that feeling telling me so, the "sun going down and i'm all alone and cold" thing.

14:00 My poor attempt at socializing ended very fast why do i even bother when i'm cursed? It reminds me of my attempt at the gym. I simply have nothing in common with people who have everything they want, can't even imagine how they feel, being so priviliged they're lucky like hell compared to me.
I can't feel any happiness or joy or anything pleasant, and don't even let me start on physical contact, because there's nothing to talk about, whatever that even feels like, to be touched by the person you like. Maybe the entire world is just a cruel dark joke on me.
Many people are so priviliged they're lucky like hell (at least compared to me), and don't even know it.

16:00 The beggining of the end of the day and sunshine and warmth. Getting more depressed.

17:00 Lunch, whatever. The day to me is over. Everything feels cold and dark and hurtful, worse than before from here on until the next day sunshine. But i'm so used to this feeling of dying inside, it's now just another part of me.
I always feel like going out, so i don't change clothes until it'svery late night, in hope.
Pretty uncomfortable in the intestinal area, i've been in a worse situation again, and it affects me a lot sometimes. I wish i didn't have to eat, so that i didn't have to shit.

18:00 It must be quite something, to not be in this body.

19:00 Watching something pleasant located in some place from far away, some very expensive hotel tour in Tokyo, Japan, named Aman. I wish i were there, and not alone. *sad sigh*

20:00 Thinking about dinner. Damn, sneezing again, i get so cold even at home. I need stimulation, i'm like an abandoned child here, seriously.
My neck hurts, i woke up like that, don't know why. My ass hurts a little too.
Cold feet, cold knees, cold hands, cold back, cold person. My mental state doesn't allow me to be comfortable, never, as hard as it may be to believe.
Thinking about going back to doing 200 squats+extras a day, but i did 9 days and don't feel like it anymore.
If people could see me they'd laugh at me, tell me to get help, attack me, or stand watching in disbelief.
I've got some difficulty looking to the right corner of my vision, been like this for years.
Do people have nice days? Is there anyone who doesn't suffer the entire day like me? Or even not at all?
I've got no interest in anything, i'm just here, sitting, rocking back and forward in the chair, humming sounds.
I'm a human nuclear bomb of emotions, without a trigger, created by trauma.
Ah memories. "You don't need exams" said the doctor. "I can see you don't have brain damage" said the doctor.

21:00 Watching the latest episode of 2 days 1 night.
My sugar detector works fine, i shouldn't eat sweet things, too sweet.

22:00 I feel so tired of all of this, can't even cry or feel like normal people. So, what am i even doing in this world? Why would i even bother? Why do i keep trying to have contact with anyone? It's been 11 years, it's over, so why, do i keep, trying, when no one ever had any interest in me?
I know i can just die at any time, and only my mother will notice i'm not here anymore. It hurts too much to look back and realize i should've done everything i could to kill myself when all of this started.
Now it's too late for everything, i failed at everything, i have nothing, i have no one, i am dead to the world.
There's nothing to live for.

23:00 I think i'm going to bed before midnight, since i only slept a few hours. Didn't even eat a proper dinner. I just stay here, sitting in an awkward position, cold, watching something, as the time goes by, with a face that says everything, and not a person to witness me.
And people enjoy being alive?
My brain doesn't feel well, nothing does. Not a bit.

Another repeated nightmare with her, why? I don't need this!

Why do i have to wake up like this, feeling anxious and anguish, and i haven't even got up from the bed yet!
I've had this nightmare before, i remember it, i was somewhere public, there were computers, i find her somehow, but she has a strange name, i can't really recognize her at first, but the pain in my chest confirmsit's her.
Then i try to contact her, and i find out she had done sme things talking bad about me in the past, but it's not true!
There's someone else with her, as much as i try i can never reach her, it eats my insides, and the way she acts, it's like i'm a bad person, but for what?
For saying i needed her?
For telling her to please not abandon me?
For saying how precious she was?
What's wrong with that?
Other people lie, harass, threaten, hurt, steal, are violent, destroy lives, yet this world hell rewards them with what they want??? What a joke, life itself hates me, because absolutely everything in my life goes wrong!
And i have to suffer without end, just because all i wanted was to be with the one and only woman i could ever love in my entire life?
Why does this have to torment me almost 5 years after the fact? What the hell! If i was born to be alone and be a failure then just kill me and that's it!
To have to wake up, with such tremendous anxiety, feeling of guilt for being a failure, fear of abandonment, worthlessness, not knowing what to do next, about to cry and feel angry at the same time.
Then i come here and write this crap again, because that's what this blog is here for, the memories of a poor hopeless miserable fool who died alone.
I'm so tired of being alive, no one imagines what i have to carry inside me everywhere i go. A couple months ago i was in a public place, and was almost crying, trying to contain this. When will i finally deserve to rest? Please, i just want to disappear

I WANTED

i wanted to have a girl just like me and just for me
i wanted to not wear glasses anymore
i wanted to have friends and go out and socialize
i wanted to travel
i wanted to feel loved
i wanted to have a job i liked
i wanted to live in japan
i wanted to have my own land
i wanted to have a real family
i wanted to be touched without end
i wanted to be independent
i wanted to have someone who could understand me that i could trust to be with and talk to
i wanted to not feel discomfort and pain and bleed from my intestines
i wanted to not be alone
i wanted to leave this house
i wanted to not have to deal with evil people who ruin everything and everyone's lives
i wanted to have pets
i wanted to have a peaceful life
i wanted to lose fat and gain muscle
i wanted to be able to go to bed and fall asleep quickly
i wanted to have a busy life
i wanted to have no physical defects
i wanted to not be poor
i wanted to get married at age 21
i wanted to have 3 babies
i wanted to not be abandoned
i wanted to forget
i wanted to get rid of the hurricane of emotions inside me
i wanted to get rid of my severe mental illnesses
i wanted to be taken seriously
i wanted to know why i'm still alive
i wanted to know how to get out of this world and never come back
i wanted to find true love and have a dream life come true i can't even imagine
i wanted to become a better person
i wanted to die

RETURN

"There is light outside, it touches me."
"As I quiet myself, into another state of being, something... It's here!"
"My needs it swallows, making me stop."
"A meaningless struggle to become aware of, I can sense it."
"Faceless. Shapeless. Emotionless. Permeating the interstices, of me."

"What, is this?"
"Beyond sight, and smell, and touch, something holds me here."
"Where is this place, I wonder, as it feels forever, staring into my defeat."
"Somehow, I was brought here, but why, is beyond my comprehension."

"I feel mute, waves of words fill my head, as I talk to myself, and notice, I'm not saying anything."
"No one sees, no one hears, no one cares."
"My trap is made of silence."

"Visions of faces moving through the air, without connection, they stay but a moment in my life."
"Are they as me?"
"I don't know what they mean, don't understand what they do."

"My body, I see it without my eyes, floating in nothingness, I know I'm not awake."
"There's a shape, and my arms extend, as hard as I try, I can never reach."
"The distance, is always around me."

"It vanished. An unrest can be felt, as I become conscious."
"Was it because I tried? That's how it feels."

"As I wake up, there's this feeling, to search for it, compeling me!"
"What, was it, I just forgot?"
"I wonder, it felt so important, filling me, just a moment ago, yet, it's nothing now."

I still remember when i lost the will to live

It was for certain on a friday day 13, i suppose in May, 10 years ago, but i stopped caring about the future that day, so whichever date doesn't really matter to me.

Before that day, i was living in such a deep depression and isolation, that i would cry rivers of tears from my eyes, every day, on purpose to try to get rid of all the pain through feeling relieved, or as if my tears couldn't possibly last forever, and i believed if i released what i felt then it had to get better some day. But the opposite happened.

I was watching "Youth without Youth" on my bedroom, sitting in my office chair, to use the film as a trigger to make me cry like crazy because i identified with the main character, so it was one of several things i had at my disposal that easily made me cry.
After 30 seconds i was washing my face with tears, then it continued to get stronger, and when  my body bent forward on the chair, my nose started running, i couldn't see anymore because of the tears, my body was aching horribly as i started to panic, when i realized that was all my life had become, me alone in my bedroom, forever.
This was when a hurricane of emotions accumulated all my life was born inside me, and i tried to free it from inside myself, but it became so intense, my body reached its limit, making me vomit on the floor between my feet, completely spent, weak, and supidly numb in disbelief. Then the hurricane, as i called, came back inside.

The next day, or so i believe, in the afternoon, i slowly gathered 50 pills of 3 kinds, from the medication i was on at the time, and swallowed them all, one by one.
Then, i got up from my chair, and lied down on my bed, waiting.

Disappointment was all i could feel, after some time, when nothing happened.
I didn't know what to do, all i wanted was to fall asleep and don't wake up anymore, but it had failed.

The next day, i specially bought 2 big bottles of beer, and drank 1 with 30 something pills i had left, but it didn't work either.
I was at my lowest ever.
Either that night or the next, i decided to drink alcohol like crazy, to try to forget everything and everyone, so i grabbed a red wine bottle and drank it all, then a glass of whisky, 1 of gin and honey licoor or whatever that was, and a little of something else, making in the end, around 1.5 litres of alcoholic beverages without eating anything.
It was 22:00 when i went upstairs, it was just me, and the darkness of the night.
I vomited the 1st time, then drank some more, and was still crying and talking to myself drunk and miserable.
When it was around 23:00 i felt so sick i could barely stand, there was this fear inside me, and i called my mother to take me to the hospital.

Around 23:30 i was at the hospital in the emergency waiting room, i ent to the bathroom drunk once, it was difficult for me to stay awake.
When a doctor saw me in the adjacent room, i was a mess, my head and arms were on a table, i was about to lose my senses while i kept saying "i want to die, i just want to die".

A few minutes before midnight i was being carried by 2 security guards in a corridor, to a stretcher, when i vomited the last time, and lost my senses.

When i woke up, it was almost silent around me but there were lights on, i was sideways on a stretcher in that corridor, when i tried to get up and sit i noticed i had an i.v. solution going to one of my hands connected to a metal tripod stand of metal with wheels. I was there for a while, until someone talked to me.

It was still night, when a nurse called me to a small room, and injected something in one of my gluts, to deal with my alcohol poisoning or something. Later i was in a wheelchair, looking down a long while, when i felt the need to got to the bathroom, so i told a nurse, and she gave me something to go on inside, but i grabbed it and never used it, just kept that thing in my hand, until the time i got up and went to the bathroom. Then came back to a waiting room, and there was barely a hint of sunrise coming through a window.

I waited, and some people started gathering there as time went by, a girl my age that i ended up talking to a lot, a romanian man, some others i didn't talk to. While i was told to kepp waiting there, i walked back and foward around that place some times, until morning came, and i was alone sitting not talking to anyone.
When someone brought us food and drinks, i didn't accept any.
Morning was over, and lunch time came.
A long while later, i was called, and told i'd be going on an ambulance to another city, to be seen at another hospital.

It was just me in that van, with 2 firemen or some kind of nurses, it took some 45 minutes to get there, to the largest hospital in the south of this country. There were people everywhere, i went to the emergency rom there, and got another wristband from a doctor, then we went to a psychiatric hospital, where a nurse interviewed me, then told me to wait for the doctor.

This was the point where i realized, when i was in a sort of bench outside looking to the long avenue and prison across the street, that i had nothing to care about anymore, i was just there, waiting.
And this is how and where i lost the will to live.
My future, to me, died that day.
(i'll never be capable of making someone understand what happened to me)

When the doctor finally called for me, i went inside and sat on the chair again. She was having trouble with the fingerprint login in her computer. When asked me questions about what i had done to myself, and why, i told her what she needed to hear, and about the medication, then a nurse came in and asked her if i would be staying there at the hospital, the doctor said no, and prescribed me more medication after me telling her i was willing to behave and try again.

On the ride back, i was just looking out the window and to the front of the ambulance.
My mother was waiting for me at the 1st hospital. While she was taking care of something in my name, i met a former classmate, told him i had drunk a lot of alcohol and such, then got in the car and went home.

Now it was around 15:00 or more, my long journey was over, i felt nothing now, my body was weak, my face was the same sad/tired from since i woke up some 10 hours previously.
I entered my home, still talking a bit to my mother, got to my bedroom, still had 3 hospital wristbands on my wrists, put the new medication in my bedroom, sat down, and spent countless years descending deeper and deeper into the unbelievable misery i could never imagine when i told to myself, "my life couldn't possibly get worse".
But it did, and it was unbelievable to me, what happened in the following 10 years, and how much, much worse, my life got.

Back then i already believed that only what i call now "true love", would be able to save me, and make me want to live again.
I don't need to tell anyone and explain all the problems that ruined me.
This is the sum of the memories i have, to write the story of the 1st time i tried to kill myself, and when i lost the will to live, just leaving myself alone, waiting to die at home.

TRANSCEND

While in a body, physical connection has far less importance than people believe it does, because anyone can touch someone else either by accident or help or desire or violence or rape. How important can the physical be then, if anyone can do anything to anyone else provided there's a chance and will to do so, with any motive behind it?

To feel a person's body, her weight, her warmth, her breath, that means the soul is there giving life to that body, but someday she eventually leaves the body and then it dies, there's no more weight, or warmth, or breath anymore. That person is gone to some other place.

How close can two souls get?
Is it even possible for two individuals to become one?
Can the hope of meeting after death become true?

To live in the same state of mind. Accept without distinction or worry. Sharing food, desire, and life. Affection without shame. Ardent embrace. To unite with someone, and be together, more than these physical bodies allow. Transcending the bond of humanly possible.

Too much to bear!

I can't rest or sleep well, it hurts to the points of agony from time to time, my head doesn't work and i can't focus, being alone at home having no social life of any kind again makes this torture similar to pain in my teeth that drives me mad, i want to kill myself but i feel so weak and depressed i barely move, i'm tired of being alive, i hate being alone, to me life is a punishment i am forced to go through against my will, and because the woman who represented my dream disappeared without a word i am completely lost in this darkness and cold. IT HURTS!!!!!!!
People kill themselves for much less than being alone at home 23hours a day, and how can stupid worthless me survive that long in hell, makes no sense, being alive makes no sense, reality makes no sense. I'm numb.
Often i think about hanging myself, or inhaling carbon monoxide to put me asleep forever, but i'm too weak, i've been there before, and, it's cruel! I have to force myself to breath as well, can't even cry right anymore, and it's Christmas, whatever that means, it hurts so much i can't sleep or even eat, IT HURTS being so miserable, she's gone don't even know if she's alive, my will to live is gone, my body heat is gone, my sanity is gone, i'm going to die without even knowing what having a woman just for me feels like, and i can't feel anything else but the pressure to kill myself, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopelesssss

"I Want To Be Alone"

Jackson C. Frank - ''I Want To Be Alone (Dialogue)'' [Electroma]

I, want to be alone
I need to touch each stone
face the grave that I have grown,
I want to be alone.

Before all the days are gone
and darker walls are bent and torn,
to pass the time of those who won
I want to be alone.

Rivers that run anywhere
are in my hand and just up the stairs
past the eyes of those who care
who can never be alone.

Changes where not ment to be 
told the hours of my memory.
Sing a song of the love to me
to say you must never never be alone

But tears of a silent rain
seek shelter on my broken pane
and run away but I remain
to speak the words 
that sing alone. 

I, want to be alone
I need to touch each stone
face the grave that I have grown,
I want to be alone.

Final scene from the movie "Electroma'' (2006) directed by Daft Punk. 
Distributed by Daft Arts / Wild Bunch.

Music: Jackson C. Frank - "I Want To Be Alone (Dialogue)" from the album ''Jackson C. Frank'' released by Columbia in 1965

_____________________________________________________________________________________

better to die alone, than live a lie