Nothing for me here

There are important things i want to do, but i don't have a person to help me, in fact my family is almost completely gone, and i have no friends anywhere, being alone is the best i can do now, because everyone around me is dead inside. I've never been so close to knowing why i'm here, how i came here, when i came here, what i am, and where i am, yet i still don't know how to escape this world and never come back. I am alone everywhere i am, because no one else understands why they are here. People are infected with slavery, they are not my kind. This world is filled with evil, it needs another flood. There's nothing for me here, i simply am still alive. I want to go away, and never come back.

No Closure

Edit: If you ever read this, contact me using your old email, I want this to end.

nozomi varekova

To the Ones leaving without saying Goodbye


For too long have I struggled to find a meaning for writing and ending this, to say these last words, and now, after 6 years and almost 2 weeks of your disappearance during the 3rd week of February in 2013, the last person I called "friend", you disappeared and never gave me closure, what followed was unbearable, so over time I've written my memories about you out of necessity, in my blog, so many I had to delete some, and now I cannot feel a justification anymore to write anything else, after this there's nothing else to write.

Other people are allowed to have feelings, friends, relationships, but I am not? 

You dumped your suffering on me, pretending to be a victim, got closer, lied to me, knowing I wanted you in my life even if I never told you why, and later disappeared without even saying goodbye, like I meant nothing to you, like I had no value, like I was a dog on the side of a road,  you didn't even care to say goodbye, didn't care about how much I was going to suffer, you never gave me closure.

I can never forgive you.

After you disappeared from my life I could never again rest or sleep well, for months I tried to find you and contact you, suffering so much I couldn't eat enough, couldn't relax, couldn't concentrate, not knowing what happened to you, I would check my email 40 times a day, stay awake until late, try to understand how was this my fault, what did I do wrong, I didn't know if you were even alive.

I could never be the same person again, it's because of you I developed Borderline Personality Disorder and feel so sad and so angry, my abandonment trauma became unbearable, it's because of you I can't have friends afraid they'll hurt me or abandon me, it's because of you I started hating people, it's because of you I can't rest or sleep well anymore, it's because of you I developed stress from spending such a long time living in disbelief trying to understand why you abandoned me without even saying goodbye.

For all that and more I hate you Nozomi Varekova, liar, traitor, you deserve to be punished with the same agony and suffering you caused me.

Every year for some weeks, this abandonment trauma gets so intense, it makes me feel crazy having to endure this, it's torture!

You deserve to be abandoned by the person you desire to be with the most, without even a goodbye, and have to live with the same suffering you caused me, all the regret, the crying, hurting without knowing what happened, without resting or sleeping well, not being able to feel better, not being able to forget, and it never ends.

You will always be remembered in my video and this blog, Nozomi Varekova, liar, traitor.

What did I ever do to you, to deserve being abandoned without even a goodbye?

All I wanted was to be with you. 

The feeling I had was so intense, it made me believe we belonged together, it felt right, like you were the woman I had been waiting for, like us being together would solve our problems, like I understood your suffering, I wanted to hug you and never let go, it felt like we had been separated long ago and now that I found you this need to be with you activated, and it was so strong I could think of nothing else.

This was the only time in my life I had this feeling, don't understand why it happened or why it failed. 

I can never let it go even if I could, because that would mean all my suffering was for nothing, I will never accept it, it's unbearable anyway!

Unfortunately for me this trauma will hurt me all my life, and I can't understand why this happened. Is this my fault? 

Where is the justice? Where is my peace? What did I do to deserve this daily mental anguish?

You could have just said you didn't want to talk to me anymore, and say goodbye. Why did you have to disappear? I don't even know what happened to you.

It's not fair you don't even know the never-ending pain you caused me, it's not fair I have to suffer every single day, even years after, because of this trauma that doesn't end, it's not fair.

I will meet you after death and end this, if possible. 

If you're still alive I can't deal with that fact, because the implication would be you care nothing about me.

I hate you Nozomi Varekova. 

I wish you could feel what I feel.

I wish I had never met you.

I didn't deserve this. 

I can't believe it was all for nothing. 

My choice?

23 of April 2018

This is the day i hate the most, yet i did nothing different, spent it alone day and night, like usual.
I can't stop thinking what will happen once my mother dies, and i have to live completely alone, when i don't even have a job, a friend, a social life, no will to live, i can't feel happiness or joy, i can't stand being around people because they're so immoral, disgusting, gullible, ignorant, and there's so many things i hate and have to stay away from.
All i am is a burden, a shadow, a failure.
No wonder i've always been alone, and nothing good ever happened to me, i was born to suffer.
So, another year completed here, in hell.
"Happy birthday", they say?
That's because they haven't suffered enough pain and misery yet, to realize what they are, and where they are, so that they finaly want to get out of here.
What sin did i commit, to deserve this most cruel punishment, of being forced to live in this world against my will?

More Memories of Innocence

Apparently, i was a baby once.
I didn't remember, when i posted "Memories of Innocence", that there were lots of old photographs of me as a baby still around.
Ah, sweet, lovely babies!
Knowing i'm going to die without having a wife and babies adds a special kind of torture to my daily life, hopelessness from a distant delusion.
There's a feeling inside me, when i look at myself as a baby.
I wanted to add more photographs, but many i didn't like or were in bad shape, and i was going to post this on my birthday, but i decided to upload only these 3 now, and be done with it.
Sometimes i forget i'm just talking to myself, and none of this really matters.
Here blog, carry these for me too, i'll edit a couple more in later on.

This one, i like the most. Eating some biscuit. My face and hair suits me well here. Yes, that was me! *sigh*

For less than half of my life, i did have birthday parties, and other family events outside home.

Inside the church, near where i live, that i used to go to every sunday, until i became a teenager.

Hopelessness

Hopelessness has a Name and a Reason to Exist

There is only ONE RACE

The Human Race

The color of your skin is not a race! It's just wavelenghts of light reflected to our eyes.

1. That aspect of things that is caused by differing qualities of the light reflected or emitted by them, definable in termsof the observer or of the light, as:

a. The appearance of objects or light sources described in terms of the individual's perception of them, involvinghue, lightness, and saturation for objects, and hue, brightness, and saturation for light sources.

b. The characteristics of light by which the individual is made aware of objects or light sources through thereceptors of the eye, described in terms of dominant wavelength, luminance, and purity.

c. A gradation or variation of this aspect, especially when other than black, white, or gray; a hue: fireworks that exploded in brilliant colors.

The country you were born in is not a race! It's just a nationality, a name given to an area of the world.

1.

a. A nation or state.

b. The territory of a nation or state; land.

c. The people of a nation or state; populace: The whole country will profit from the new economic reforms.

2. The land of a person's birth or citizenship: Foreign travel is restricted in his country.

3. A region, territory, or large tract of land distinguishable by features of topography, biology, or culture: hill country;Bible country.

The ethnicity of your ancestors is not a race! It's just differentiation created due to long term adaptation to living in a certain place and with a certain lifestyle.

1.

a. Of, relating to, or characteristic of a group of people sharing a common cultural or national heritage and oftensharing a common language or religion.

b. Being a member of a particular ethnic group, especially belonging to a national group by heritage or culturebut residing outside its national boundaries: ethnic Hungarians living in northern Serbia.

c. Of, relating to, or distinctive of members of such a group: ethnic restaurants; ethnic art.

2. Archaic Relating to a people not Christian or Jewish.

   A member of a particular ethnic group, especially one who maintains the language or customs of the group.

Your mother tongue is not a race! It's just an agreed understanding of sounds and symbols and gestures developed in order to express yourself, communicate, and pass on knowledge.

A first language, native language or mother tongue (also known as father tongue, arterial language or L1) is a language that a person has been exposed to from birth^[1] or within the critical period. In some countries, the term native language or mother tongue refers to the language of one's ethnic group rather than one's first language.^[2]Children brought up speaking more than one language can have more than one native language, and be bilingual or multilingual. By contrast,a second language is any language that one speaks other than one's first language.

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https://www.thefreedictionary.com/

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You can be born anywhere and it doesn't matter, be different all you want, or dislike whoever you want, but you don't have the right to cause mental or physical harm to anyone.

The word is hate, for being different and unwanted, meaning racism doesn't exist, because everyone is of the same human race.

Wherever and whoever says different races exist, they are wrong.

There are no alien races, or priviliged races, or superior races, or any other races of people.

And i don't care, or accept, or promote, or want to know, if people are made to believe that their physical differences make them be of different races, because all of those lies are created to divide people into groups, and make them fight against each other.

Stay away from people, don't bother people, keep it to yourself, and don't be manipulated.

So, for the last time:

THERE IS ONLY ONE RACE. HUMAN!!!

I See Dead People

The Dead don't care, this is the number 1 definition of the dead.

The Dead may walk, think, speak, eat, sleep, feel, et cetera, but because they live for immorality, they are classified as dead.

The Dead are confined to this world, and belong here beyond death, as long as they are dead.

The Dead reincarnate because they failed, how many human lifetimes will they need to understand why they are still here, oh dead. 

The Dead are born because of the sex ritual, but not all who are born will have to come back for more human lifetimes as dead.

The Dead cannot imagine life in any other way, besides how they live as dead.

The Dead abound, if you are not where no one else is, there will be dead.

The Dead are slaves, easily manipulated, chained by belief, few by body, all by will, either in one or many ways, but certainly dead.

The Dead are deeply traumatized, and they live in denial and/or ignorance of this, hurting themselves and others to avoid facing Truth, but the easier way, is the way of the dead.

The Dead adore pleasure and pain, they are weak to the body and damaged in the brain, they do as they please but reality is, digging deeper their grave as a dead.

The Dead all look different, yet is not with the eyes, one senses them dead.

The Dead worship and perform rituals suffering the consequences, unaware of their existence or meaning, but all deserved and caused by their status as dead.

The Dead live life to the fullest like a true satanist, oh the irony of fearing going away, when you are here to stay, dead.

The Dead cannot be reasoned with, they believe to be correct and others to be wrong, be them alive or dead.

The Dead are everyone who doesn't know who, where, what, when, how, and why.